DEAR ANXIETY

i wrote this post 2 months ago and never posted it. i made the decision 1 month ago to not allow anxiety to rule over me. this is a personal post, and sharing it provides so much relief and freedom.

dear soul sucking, heart racing, mood killing, unwelcome anxiety,

i don't know how you manage to show up as i'm watching anastasia with aaron or while researching a tattoo, but you're there; you seem to pop in at the most inconvenient times. how about that time at work when i had to go outside because i felt like you were squeezing my heart until it was about to burst? or that time i was driving to the pharmacy and i started to hyperventilate?

and what about all the times you remind me how out of control i really am? like how i can't plan the next year of my life because nothing is really sure in this life? oh, and how often you make me doubt the God i serve and love with my whole heart; how His plan for me isn't thought out and that everything that happens is by chance? that where i want to be and what i want to do are so out of reach?

but guess what? while you used to rule my life, my choices, my emotions; while you used to make me binge eat until i almost threw up; while you used to make me cry and destroy my body; you don't have that control anymore. thanks to a therapist and medication, you no longer have power over me. you aren't me anymore, and while you'll always be a part of me, you will never consume me like you once did.

i'm breaking up with you, anxiety. i'm ready to have my soul back.

OCTOBER

can i just tell y'all how much i love fall? it's been rainy and chilly and gray here, and there is really no better time of year. october is bringing some big changes in our lives, and i am excited and ready to take on this new month with passion and fervor. oh, and that gorgeous flower up above? yeah, my babe grew that. here are a few goals i'm focusing on:

1//continue downsizing. we've been selling and getting rid of things left and right because we are moving from a 3 bedroom 1600 sq. ft. house to a 2 bedroom 1100 sq ft. apartment. i have found such beauty in decluttering and downsizing. stuff is suffocating, and after this move i plan to work on creating capsule wardrobes (read more about that here).

2//stick to weight watchers. hate to make excuses, but when my life is chaotic, my eating is chaotic. i have a really full belly right now, and i don't like it. i feel gross and all around terrible about myself. i've joined a dietbet game this month, so i now have some skin in the game if ya know what i mean. i need to lose at least 4% of my body weight to make my bet back and then some. i'm excited for a new challenge and am starting off my day with yoga tomorrow.

3//find community. one big thing aaron and i are looking forward to is making friends. while we had some here in junction, and we had a church we were attending, we just never felt connected. we are looking forward to getting plugged in and actually living our lives, rather than just exisiting.

4//save money. so let me just say that moving twice in a year is not a good habit to keep up unless your daddy warbucks (ps just typed sassy instead of daddy). we're taking quite a financial hit with this move, and since i quit my job, we only have one income right now. my shop is on vacation while we move, so aaron's the bread winner this month (and every month...who am i kidding?) but one awesome thing is that we serve a providing God and a Father who is there every step of the way.

CHANGES...AGAIN

so it seems in this little family we love change. we love the new. so wouldn't it make sense that we move...again? that's right, we are moving to DENVER! aaron has accepted a job offer over there (within the same company). there are so many pros to this move: closer to people (yuuuus), closer to an international airport, more culture, city living, more to do...i could go on and on! but there is one major con: MONEY. sheesh, life is expensive, especially in a metropolitan city! but can i just tell you how good God is? he's provided in ways we would have never expected. aaron and i decided to rent an apartment for a couple of reasons: the perks of living in a good complex are amazing (like valet trash...yes, it's a thing) and we have too much stuff. we seriously had a guest room that was used three times. so, we decided to downsize. it's interesting, that downsizing bug. it makes you evaluate what's important and it truly reveals our materialistic hearts. but we've decided to do it and we're running with it! i've probably posted 20something ads on craigslist, and we're not done yet. and get this...we've sold all our guest room furniture in 1 day. i am seriously in awe of how good God is.

aaron and i had some really good conversation tonight at dinner. we talked about this past season of our life, how God has shaped us, what He's taught us and how we've been molded into this people we are today. we've learned so much about impulse control, thoughtfulness, depression, anxiety, joy in all circumstances, faith, and provision. i am so unbelievably blessed to do life with my man by my side. i can't wait to see what this next season in another city brings.

MANIFESTO: PT 1 + 2

i've recently started a manifesto. seems weird, someone who has gone through some of the most important milestones one can go through is now starting to define how she wants to live her life. but here i am.

i'm going through katie den ouden's skinny dip society. she has us writing our own manifestos, to help us to live wild.free.alive. find out more about this here.

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DAY 1

the last time i felt wild.free.alive was when i was with my husband up on the grand mesa in grand junction, colorado. i remember waking up that morning, feeling ready to do something new that day. i had been wrestling with anxiety for the past few months, and going somewhere we had never been sounded incredible. i remember driving up the winding mountain with the windows down, smelling the sweet smell of mountain air and pine trees. as we rounded a corner, i saw the most beautiful view i have ever seen. i think my favorite place is where water meets the forest. there is nothing more breathtaking in the world. i still remember how i felt, how i never wanted to leave that place, how i wished i could stay forever among the flower fields and pine trees, swim in the cool lake water, and forever feel wild.free.alive.

parts of my day that make me think "I love my life": when my husband will text me an emoji heart, even if he's sitting right next to me. when i wake up and feel my pup charlie cuddling me. when my cat bandit falls asleep on my shoulder. when i hear from a friend out of the blue. i guess moments that remind me i matter in this world are what make me feel alive and loved.

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DAY 2

if i wasn't bound by rules or restrictions, i would wear sundresses everyday, have tattoos up the wazoo, dance to music while i cook or bake, burn candles at all times of the day, wear no makeup, not have a cell phone, spend every waking moment by the water, live fully and carefree without the worries of the world weighing me down.

my ideal daily celebration would include candles, lots and lots of flowers, and friends. there would be laughter and love, and everyone wouldn't have a care in the world. all worries about work, bills, family, the world would melt away. there would be good, wholesome food, string lights and a starry night. we would celebrate each other, with only kindness in our hearts and on our lips. all comparison and judgment would be gone, and we would be able to be free and wild and alive.

LET'S KEEP IT REAL

the reality of life has truly set in. life is busy, crazy, beautiful, overwhelming, disappointing, awesome. we all go through these different seasons, different emotions, the ups and downs of this journey. so i'm going to come out with it: life sucks right now. i'm tired, stressed, anxious. i've really been struggling with controlling my emotions and feelings. i've been having at least one anxiety attack a day since i started my new job, which seriously sets everything off. but i read this amazing encouragement today, and it just put everything into perspective. typically, i'm an impulsive, passionate person. i see something i want, and i don't give it a second thought; i'll usually just go for it. i like that part about myself. it makes life fun, and keeps it interesting. but being impulsive and passionate (and fickle) makes life confusing sometimes. i find myself overcommitted and overwhelmed. and in that very same place, my soul is underwhelmed. i have no time for God to move and to work and to mold. i don't take the time to just sit. so today, aaron and i have just sat. and we've laughed. and argued. and cried (well, i've cried). and loved. and we've just been able to be. and in that, we've talked about our future, what we want, where we see ourselves. now, one thing you may not know is that i'm a planner. i crave consistency and boundaries and set schedules. i like to know what to expect and what's expected. and because of this, i've battled a lot of giants in this life. i've dealt with the anxiety of not knowing what's to come, what's about to happen, where i'll be living in 6 months, and on and on and on. i've been restricted from letting God work and the freedom that comes with flexibility. so, today, i took a leap. aaron and i discussed our futures and the flexibility and unexpectedness that life brings. and we talked about how we're open to that, and how we'll pray about that, and how we welcome that. and trust, i've got some butterflies and heart palpitations knowing that i'm not "in control" (which is silly because there are a lot of things i can't control). but i'm working on being free and flexible, and i'm letting God lead where we're going.