there is sweetness in solitude. it has been sometime since i've been alone. since having asher and moving in with family, i have felt like it has been so hard to take some time for myself and just breathe. to see the sunrise, to pour out my thoughts and look at what's going on in life. i have neglected this space for sometime. i have this thing that when i feel like i "have" to do something, i have good momentum but then i feel so trapped by my commitment that i neglect it. like the 52 project? yeah, it's been about 4 weeks (i'm a terrible mom, i know). ya'll, the mom guilt hits hard all. the. time. but then i have sweet, quiet moments like this and it's all praises. God's grace is enough.
this season has been one of trials. it has been so sweet seeing asher grow and thrive, but we're in a season of limbo. aaron and i have felt a sense of longing for denver, and we have both felt God impress upon our hearts that we need to plant roots there. "but didn't you just move?" yep, and we'll probably move again. i was wondering what it is in me that makes me feel unsettled, like i can't just stay in one place. growing up in a divorced family, i have not had a "permanent" home. like, ever. sure, my parents each had their houses, but i went back and forth, week after week. i would pack a suitcase full of my necessities for school and softball and work and whatever else. but i was never really settled.
i thought this would all change when i got married. i would have my own house that would be mine. i could decorate how i wanted and create the environment and space i wanted to spend time in.
we lived in our first apartment for three months.
then, our second for 8 months. our third for 6. our fourth for 4. and our fifth for 1 year.
it brings tears to my eyes as i write about the fifth place we lived. i long for it y'all. i long for the sweetness of that time in the tiny house we called home, the tiny house we brought our baby home to. the home where i spent so many days sick as i grew my baby. the home where i have such fond memories in the city where my heart is. sometimes i wonder why God brings us to new places and new seasons. i long for the last season of life, where it was just our little family exploring the beauty of colorado and all the wonder God had for us there. why did He move us? why did we long for a change?
this season of life is hard. we're almost completely out of debt (praise!), we're saving for a house, our baby is growing around family. but what else? my marriage is going through some of the toughest growing pains yet. my husband is having a hard time at work with some difficult people. we don't have much privacy. and while living with family is great, there is nothing like having a place to call yours.
and so we wait. we wait for God to move. we wait for His leading. we wait for the revealing of His will. i know that wherever He has will be perfect. it's just so hard in this state of longing and the unknown.
