P R E G N A N C Y

this post is not meant to seem as though i hate being pregnant or am ungrateful for what a gift this child is to me. it is not meant to diminish the difficulty of pregnancy (or of getting pregnant) or to diminish the feelings of those who struggle with infertility. every day i feel this life inside of me i am immeasurably blessed by what a privilege it is to be a mother. this is more so a word dump of all that i've been contemplating and feeling.

that being said, i'm just going to come right out and say it: 

pregnancy sucks. 

don't get me wrong, the longer hair and nails and clear skin have most definitely been perks throughout this process. but they don't exactly make the constant nausea, heartburn, vomiting and back pain worth it. what does make this worth it is the little baby bear i will have in my arms in just 9 weeks.

this pregnancy has been way harder than i could have ever imagined. i never thought i would be one of those women who was sick pretty much their entire pregnancy. i thought i would have the typical "throw up for a few weeks" sickness and then i would be all good. 

wrong.

when i hit the 20 week mark back in july, i really was feeling good. 20 weeks seemed to be the magic number for me, and i thought with full certainty that the worst was over. that lasted for about 6 weeks. then, like clockwork, as soon as 26 weeks hit: BOOM. the bathroom was my best friend once again. i can only be grateful that it was a bit milder than my first bout of sickness, as in i could actually keep some water down. but for the past month, i have been struggling. i would have never imagined how emotionally tolling a physical illness is. which is silly, because duh...why wouldn't it be? i have been so blessed to have never struggled with my physical health. aside from the occasional cold or flu, i have been healthy as a horse. i have seen my step-dad struggle with his bout of cancer and the subsequent illnesses that have followed, but to be honest, he is such a rockstar. i rarely hear him complain or bring attention to the pain he constantly battles. and while i'm sure he has his off days, i typically see his big smile and loving demeanor in place of the weariness he must feel.

y'all, i am the opposite. maybe to the outside world everything seems okay. but in reality, i'm not okay. i have never ever not felt like myself more than in this process. i feel like a host to something, that what i'm experiencing is outside of myself, and not in a cool good way. i haven't felt like myself since april, and let me tell you, i hate it. i hate that feeling of feeling out of control, that no matter what you do you can't seem to be who you were. and maybe this is the new me. maybe God is preparing my heart and mind and body for motherhood, and this is what happens. but to be honest, i liked myself. i liked how God had made me and my body. i liked the characteristics he had blessed me with. and to be honest, i probably am just being hormonal and dramatic about this, but for real, i'm scared. i don't want to lose my identity in motherhood. while i know motherhood will greatly grow me and shape me and make me better, i want to be me. and i don't remember what that really feels like. all i remember from the past 7 months are the days spent in bed or on the couch or over the toilet. i haven't done much with my life this past year. and i know growing a baby is hard work. but i never expected that it would come with losing myself.

so i've tried to take this past week since i quit my job (yep, it got that bad) to figure out what God is trying to show me in this loneliness and fear. i know He has great plans for my life. i know that He loves me. i just am not quite sure what this all means. is He trying to get me to focus on Him and Him alone? probably. is He wanting to be my shelter in this storm? definitely. and i think i've gotten away from that. i think that in the midst of this pregnancy, i have forgotten the grace and mercy and refuge He offers every one of us. in the midst of vomiting everything and feeling like nothing, He has been there. and i've missed Him. i've missed the chances for sweet fellowship with my Creator. and i don't know exactly how to get back there. i know with prayer and diligence, He is faithful. heck, He is faithful even when i am faithless. i know that my full identity is in Christ, and i hope to be more like Him. even if it means losing myself. i'm sure after asher comes that i will regain who i was. it's just hard to imagine that when you don't really remember who you were.

on a happy note, we went to california earlier this month for some baby showers and maternity pictures. we are incredibly blessed by friends and family that love us. and let me tell you, this little boy of ours is already so spoiled!

all photos (with the exception of the first one) taken by justine ellise photography.

B A B Y L O V E

i know it has been a while since i've written, but i have a good reason, i promise! (well hopefully you think growing a baby is a good reason).

yep.

we're pregnant!

we found out on march 22nd and hugged and cried in our bathroom and it was magical and wonderful. our little one is expected to arrive november 25, 2015 (the day before thanksgiving).

while we are thrilled, can i just be real with y'all? pregnancy sucks. at least the first trimester did. i was constantly nauseous, throwing up, no energy. this is not a good recipe if you wish to live a normal life (or have a clean house). aaron has been a rock star husband. he's taken on all the cooking and cleaning while i just lay around like a bum. he is seriously the best and i don't know what i would do without him.

but maybe i should delve in a little deeper. on wednesday, april 15th, we found out we were once expecting twins. yes, there were once two little live babies inside my womb. but that same day we found out that only one was viable; i had lost the other one. i have never experienced such intense emotions as i did that day. while i was overwhelmed with happiness that we were pregnant, i felt this immense sadness, like something i had never felt before. how could i love something so much as i did that little baby without ever meeting it? how could i feel such loss over someone i didn't know was there? i can't explain it, but i was heartbroken. i felt this cloud of emotions and the tears just poured down my face. i really don't think i've ever felt so divided and so many emotions at once. i have since healed from the loss, but will always wonder who that little baby was. i am however incredibly thankful for this baby who did survive.

this week was a fun one for a couple of reasons: 1. i hit the halfway point! 20 weeks down and 20 to go...and can i tell you i hope and pray that the next 20 are far easier than the last? thankfully, i have been feeling much better these past couple weeks that i've been able to marvel at this miracle of a baby. this little one has been quite the squirmer, and there is really no more magical feeling than knowing there is life inside. and 2. we found out baby is a...

B O Y!!!

 we couldn't be happier (or more surprised!) pretty much everyone in our lives thought it was a little girl (except you, dad) so we were quite shocked when we saw the ultrasound! baby boy is healthy and happy and we got to see so much of him, including his little femur bones and spine! the creation of life is such a miracle and i cannot thank God enough for choosing me to mother this sweet boy. and now for the big name reveal...

A S H E R   M I C H A E L   V I L L A R R E A L

when we started researching names for little boys, we had no idea where to start. there some names we kind of liked, but nothing really stood out. until we came upon asher. asher is a biblical name meaning "happy" or "happiness". asher was jacob's 8th son who was promised a life blessed with abundance, and this is what we want for our little asher. we hope that not only is he blessed abundantly with all the material things he could ever need, but to be blessed with god's overflowing grace, joy, love and mercy. we pray that our little guy will have a character worthy of his name, and will live his life as a blessing to others and that joy and happiness would radiate from him.

we are seriously so excited for little ash to make his arrival! now most of our days will be done registering and nursery decorating and birth plan researching. and i wouldn't have it any other way!

O N E Y E A R

one year ago, my life changed. i left everything i've ever known, with my man and my pup, and we ventured on this crazy adventure. colorado, you've changed me. i have never been as immersed in beauty as i am living here. i am grateful for everything i've learned in moving here. coming to colorado really solidified adulthood for me. i am in awe of the work God continues to do in my heart, in my marriage, and in the city of denver. i can't wait to see what's in store for this coming year.

T W O Y E A R S

two years ago, i said "i do". i said "i do" to laughter, snuggles, arguments, tears, striving, joy, victories, failures, dates, and a forever valentine. these past two years have been more than i could have ever hoped. they have not been perfect, but they have been radical. we have moved 5 times, added two new family members, bought a car, gotten jobs, transferred jobs, learned to drive in the snow, battled depression, shared great highs (and lows), and so much more. there is no one else on this earth than could have been better for me. i know what true love is like because you have loved me as Christ does. you respect me, honor me, cherish me, and lavish me with unconditional love. i have never known anybody like you, and i guarantee i will never meet anybody like you. i have definitely not been the wife i should be; i have failed more times than i can count. but it is on days like today that i am reminded of God's gracious and humble love towards me, and you are the perfect example of that. happy two years; i can't wait to make a million more memories with you.

W H O L E

i think our wandering spirits and hearts have finally found a church family! when we moved to colorado almost a year ago (okay, that's weird), we were exciting to build a life in community. but when friendships didn't bloom and people weren't interested in getting to know us, i got discouraged. i mean big time. this is when i fought depression hardcore. all my fears became real. so i withdrew. i literally told aaron "why would i make friends if i hate this place?" (no drama there, i really did hate it). then, we moved! and i was stoked! and i thought "we'll make friends all day long, la la la". and guess what? there weren't friends waiting on my doorstep. there weren't friends at the grocery store, or starbucks, or even the donut shop (which there should always be friends there). so, i was alone (or at least i felt that way). we were attending church at the summit on and off, and to be honest hadn't made a real effort to meet anybody. i even was signed up for a women's retreat and chose to work instead of go (i am LAME). then, we took an intro class at our church for people who want to become members. and met with a pastor. and went to a city group. AND MADE FRIENDS. you guys, i gave my phone number out like it was candy! and people wanted it! it was awesome. what i realized in city groups last night was huge. we're going through a book called When The Church Was A Family by Joseph Hellerman and man, was it uncomfortable. basically, he says that we are called to love our church family more than our biological families. that our priority is to our church family rather than our natural family. (okay, who else feels weird?) and it just clicked. 

i wasn't making friends because i wasn't seeking a family.

i didn't want to be vulnerable. i didn't want to be honest and broken in front of people i barely know.

then, our group leader said something.

if christ is all that unites us, we're a family. we don't need anything else.

mind.

blown.

i don't know why that simple truth rung so loudly in my ears. duh, if we have christ, we don't need anything else. but for some reason, that just didn't seem like it would apply to people.

don't get me wrong, i am still wrestling and uncomfortable with the idea of putting my church family before my natural family. and maybe it's because i have such an awesome family. it's also because i was taught the following priorities.

1. God

2. Family

3. Church 

4. Others

i was always taught that God came first, then my spouse, then my child, then ministry. that my family was my first ministry. and i guess to some extent it is. but what i hadn't thought about was how God and his people are connected and should be considered as such. these are not two separate entities; rather, God is in His people. there should not be such a sharp distinction between the two. so really, our priorities should look like this:

1. God's family

2. My family

3. Others

it's going to get some getting used to, but i am excited to see how God grows me in this area.

again, WE MADE FRIENDS. (also, i'm a loser).