F E A R

(lots of ramblings ahead)

i am afraid to be a mom.

there, i said it. i don't know why, but those words are terrifying. i feel like i should be prepared in some weird way even though i have never mothered a child. i constantly think about how i will fail asher, about the wrong decisions i will make, about how that will affect him. i also think about silly things like when my hair will be as long as my sister's or if i'll ever have red hair again (i don't know why those thoughts i chose are about hair). but i have some legitimate fears. will i meet his every need? will i give him enough baths? what if i don't feed him enough? what if breastfeeding doesn't work out? can i do it?

i think that last question

can i do it?

those words resound in my head constantly. i think about this pregnancy, the joys that have come with it, along with the sorrows and sickness and complete hell, and while i have been "doing" it, will i be able to mother?

will i be able to

comfort
care
sacrifice
love
protect

the way my baby boy will need me to?

i've always seen myself as a nurturing person. i have 3 younger siblings, all whom i love dearly, have had numerous babysitting gigs, heck i nannied for almost three years. but it still leaves me wondering

can i do it?

can i be all this boy needs me to be?

and i don't think i can. actually, i know i can't. i'm human. i'm selfish. sure, i know that i will do all i can to put ash before my every need, my every want, and i will want that with every fiber of my being.

but i can't do it. sure, i can make sure he is fed and changed and loved as best as i know how.

but i can't insure that he will get all that he needs. because he needs more than i can provide. he needs to know the complete and encompassing love of Jesus. he needs to know how his Savior was beaten and bloodied and murdered for his life, his spiritual one. i know that aaron and i will do all we can to educate all of our children about this grace and mercy that is like no other, but that's where it stops for us. can we do more than pray and teach and exhort and love? can we guarantee that asher will love Jesus with his whole being?

no. we can't.

and maybe that's what i'm most scared of. that his relationship with Jesus will reflect on me, on my failings and shortcomings. and while i know that Jesus is in control, i want to know.

i want to know asher's life. i want to know what's in store. that's just who i am. i am the nosiest person i know. for real.

i don't like surprises. i want to know if asher will love his King. will he sacrifice for Him? will he give all that he has to follow Him? i want to know the answers to all of these questions and so many more.

but the beauty of this life is

i won't.

i won't know for a very long time. but ultimately Jesus will know. and this is where i have a lot of growing to do.

i need to trust. i think of how exemplified this is in my life.

i was talking to aaron about labor and i literally asked "do you think i'll know when i'm in labor?"

i know how ridiculous that is, but really, i wonder, will i? i've never done this before. sure, i've read so many articles, took the prenatal classes, talked to my doctor. i've prepared myself as best as i know how. but it just goes back to my trust. i don't trust myself i guess, or the process, or that this will all be okay. i like to be prepared. for the good. and the bad.

i guess this whole motherhood thing is going to test my trust issues, isn't it?