U N S A T I S F I E D

as i sit here on this chilly day in denver contemplating how life will change in 6 weeks or less for us, i am deeply unsatisfied. it has nothing to do with where we live, the clothes i wear or the things i have. it has to do with how deeply unsatisfied i am with how i'm living my life. sure, i've got some of the basics down. i surely do my best to keep life fun, especially in my marriage, but there has to be more to this day to day journey that are the puzzle pieces of a bigger picture. since we've been married, i have become a lesser person. this is in no way a pity post; it is just a good hard look at the kind of woman, wife, friend, sister and mother i am. and let me tell you, i'm not happy with what i find.

since becoming pregnant, i have been a bum. a dud. a no fun to be had girl. and you know what? i really hate that. before falling into the routine of marriage, aaron and i were adventurers. we were out almost every night of the week doing something fun or different or challenging. and let me tell you...i've been worse since moving to colorado. i am ashamed to say we have not taken the time to explore this beautiful state we call our home. and when i think about why, and search my heart for reasons as to why i'm wasting this life, i think it's truly because i am not satisfied. i'm not satisfied with who i am as a person. i am incredibly grateful that my foundation and worth is rooted in the Giver of Life, but other than that, what do i have to offer? like i said, this isn't a pity post or one where i'm lamenting how lame i am, but i'm truly searching for something more.

i was scrolling through instagram today (because i'm the bum i mentioned above) and stumbled upon a girl from my church. i don't really know her, but i know of her (because let's face it, i know of a lot of people because i haven't taken time to get to know them). i was just so enthralled with her feed: pictures of adventures and baked goods and exploring and traditions and just stuff that makes your heart warm. but as i was doing this, i noticed how jealous i was, how envy just consumed every fiber of my being. i wanted her life; not so much the exact specifications of where she lives, who she's married to, what she does, but i wanted to find as much pleasure in living the day to day as she seemed to. don't get me wrong, i am not naive to the fact that most instagram lives are not what they seem; everyone has their hardships and lazy days filled with no fun. but what do i have to show for my life? what am i doing to create memories to look back on? do i really want my memories to be of watching netflix day and night, napping and making easy dinners?

this has definitely been a difficult season, one that has prevented me from reaching out and exploring and doing more. i have grace for myself in that. but when i think about the kind of life i am creating for my husband and my son, is it one that they will think back to and smile? or is it one that they won't really remember, a life of monotony and dullness? one that lacks color and laughs and mishaps and adventures. i am ashamed of the wife i've been and the person i've become. i used to be fun, always wanting to see new places and try new foods and do new things. i was spontaneous and fickle and lively. now, it seems my spontaneity extends to what show i'll watch today and my fickleness is focused on anxieties and worries of this life.

so from today on, i want to be different. i want to live my life in a way that is glorifying and exciting and lively. i know that life doesn't always look like that, and that there will be days of netflix and pizza. but i want the majority of my days to be spent marveling at God's creation, or doing something new, or investing in people. i don't know exactly how i'll do this. i guess to start going places and start making friends and stop envying others. i want to live an authentic life. i want to be young. i don't want asher to come into this life and think that all there is to it is entertainment and laziness. i want him to dream and wonder and explore. and i want that for me and aaron too. after all, isn't that what God wants for His children? to love and honor and be free?