M A M A H O O D

wow, can i just say what a whirlwind these past 16 days have been. being a mother is everything I've wanted and hoped for. it's also come with so many tears and trials. as I sit here, ash has been asleep for 3 minutes (on me, of course). he only sleeps on me. at night. during the day. all. the. time. i soak up the snuggles and love, but also think about all that I have to do. we're flying to California tomorrow night for 11 days, so I have to pack everything. and yes, we're crazy for traveling with a 2.5 week old baby during the holidays. it's hard not being able to do what I've always done.

also. there's the thing that Aaron is back at work today. after two weeks, it's just me and ash. and I've cried a lot. so has he (Asher). we're on the same page. this is hard. we're learning how things should be, what our new normal is. right now, our normal is nursing 24/7 and sleeping very little. it's screaming during outfit changes but staring with wonder at his mobile during diaper changes (for mama at least). it's watching lots of park & rec and playing gridblock. it's drinking sweet tea and leaking through at least two shirts a day. it's lots of kisses and learning to see the world through my bear's deep blue eyes. 

I'm comforted by this article I read today: 

http://nurshable.com/2012/05/04/i-am-not-a-human-pacifier/

an excerpt is below:

I am not a “human pacifier”. I am what you have a biological and evolutionary need for. I will not devalue your needs by implying that you lack the wisdom and understanding of what those needs are. I will not devalue your needs by becoming frustrated by your refusal to accept something that does not meet those needs. I want you to listen to your body from the beginning, to understand the difference between a healthy need of yours and a pacifying object. To have an understanding that dates back to the beginnings of your time on this planet.. That comfort comes from having your needs met, not from distracting yourself with something pink, pretty and plastic.

No manufacturer makes what you need for happiness, little one. I want you to understand this from the beginning of your life. Happiness comes from love, from closeness, and from deep inside of you. Seek this happiness, and never be distracted by things that simply pacify you rather than satisfying your needs.

this was exactly what I needed to read today. I needed to be clothed in this truth (along with all the breast milk and spit up in the world). I needed this grace and knowledge that what I'm doing by feeding, nurturing and comforting my son is more important than packing or cleaning or taking care of business. I'm a mother. this is my new normal.