TO THE BOY WHO MADE ME A MAMA

i wish i could say i wanted a boy all along. if i'm being completely honest, i never thought i would be a boy mom. i'm not really into dinosaurs or race cars. i had always dreamed of pigtails and dresses; of matching outfits and headbands. i thought my life would be all girl, all the time. when i was pregnant with asher, i thought FOR SURE he was a girl. i thought that my dreams of mothering a little girl would come true. i could picture us baking cookies in matching aprons and picking out nail polish together at the salon. then, when we got our 20 week ultrasound, and i heard the words "you're having a boy", something in me shifted. i can't quite explain what i felt. some disappointment? sure. i almost asked the technician how sure she was that our little one was indeed a boy.

as the weeks following the appointment passed and i spent my days sick on the couch only being able to stomach sprite and sourdough toast, my dreams started to shift. i started dreaming of the boy i was carrying, and who God was creating him to be. would he be stubborn like his mama and musical like his daddy? would he be a chef, an artist, a missionary? would his eyes be blue and hair be blonde? would he be a rough and tumble kind of kid or a sensitive brainiac? i started to get really excited about having a son, a little roughneck who would cuddle me before bed, who would love racecars and bugs and building things, who could still join this mama in the kitchen to bake, and who could match daddy instead.

i don't know what God has planned for us in terms of expanding our family, but asher is all i've ever wanted.

asher, thank you for making me a mama. as i think back on the time we've spent together, it seems like you've always been around but that time has just flown. time is a thief, but i am blessed to watch how God is growing you. i will always treasure the way you hold my hand while nursing, how you wrap your arms around my neck when i hold you, and the huge gummy grin you flash me when i get you from your crib. you are the child i've always dreamed of.

T H R E E M O N T H S

Asher is 3 months old today! he is such a sweetheart. he really enjoys playing with his activity center and being outside; he loves the sunny California weather! he is showing signs of teething (cue drool EVERYWHERE) and will let out the cutest laugh when you tickle him. he loves everyone around him and will kick his little legs when he's excited. we can't wait to see what this month brings us! we love you baby bear!

...

he is showing signs of teething (cue drool EVERYWHERE.

and because i'm super mom (not haha), here is his 2 month post that i forgot to post here.

our baby bear is two months old today! he is becoming much more active and always greets us with a big smile after nap time. he loves to blow spit bubbles, tummy time and when his mama and daddy read him stories. he was champ as we drove through Colorado, New Mexico, Arizona and California and is loving his new home. he is constantly looking at lights in the ceiling and will have a full on cooing conversation with those he loves. he started sleeping on his own and just rolled from his tummy to his back today! and of course he'll be rooting for the Broncos this Sunday. we love you ash baby!

B A B Y W O E S

it may come as a surprise, but this past weekend was one of the hardest as a mother. you may be thinking, "isn't asher almost three months? how are you just having your hardest weekend now? don't you have it down by now?" (at least that's what i'm asking myself).

my child has always been gassy, since day 1. but it hasn't seemed to cause him any discomfort or pain until now. to see your baby in pain, to know you are doing everything you can in your power to comfort and help him, and for it to still not work; well, that's heart wrenching. add that to early bedtimes (we're talking between 6-7 pm) which means early wake up times (never thought i would see 4 am so often) and short naps (yep, my great 2 hour napper has gone to 20-40 minute naps), i am seriously a wreck. i am so sleep deprived and my patience is thin.

we had family here this past weekend, and while i love visiting, i have found it challenging to balance having an infant that everyone wants to see, and making sure my lovebug gets what he needs. sure, we all like to think that baby comes first, baby's schedule is priority, baby gets naps as soon as he looks tired, but i have found that to not be the case with me. while i get that he's cute (trust me, he's the cutest baby in the world) and therefore you just never want to put him down, i have found myself having to put my foot down. i have had to remind family to not be selfish, that ash needs to rest to grow and to just be plain happy. and that's tough. since moving back closer to family, everyone wants to hog him, which like i said, i totally get. i just know that i'll need to be a better enforcer when it comes to these things.

so on saturday, when asher was freaking out from gas/lack of sleep/whatever else, the only thing that would comfort him was nursing. i used a shield for the first 12 weeks since he had some trouble with latching, but we've been weaning from it this week and man, oh man, am i in pain! so i took his clothes off since he was sweating so much from screaming, laid down with him and started nursing. he fell asleep and we took a glorious nap. i should've slept longer but i couldn't stop staring at him. this nap was especially special for me because i was just a wreck earlier that day from an instagram post i saw. the picture was posted by a mother in remembrance of one of her twins that she lost on valentine's day. i read it as i was rocking asher that morning and it just wrecked me. as i stared down as his sweet little face, i was overwhelmed with gratitude and grief. i was so grateful that i have the privilege to comfort my sweet baby, but saddened by the fact that i won't be able to do that for our other little one we lost this side of heaven. i started to dream of who that little one would've been, how ash would have had a built in best friend, how we would have two of everything instead of one. all in all, this weekend was filled with tears and exhaustion and gratitude.

as i sit here to type this, asher has been asleep for 2.5 hours, which is a miracle. i held him for the first hour of his nap, just so that he could at least get a full cycle in. and he's still going! i'm hoping that he's not as fussy about his gas if he's well rested. i just know this mama is beat and will definitely be napping today!

L E T T E R 2

ash, as you start to stir and wake in the early morning hours, I begin to wake and prepare for our time together. I bring you into bed with me, undo your swaddle and snuggle up next to you. as you begin to nurse, I can't help but thank God for the privilege in being your mother. I feel your feet kick my (still) soft tummy, and remember when you made your home there. it is unfathomable to me that 12 weeks have passed since you've left that home for a new one. I feel your hand sweep across my chest, and for a second you linger over my heart. oh baby boy, if only you knew how my heart beats for you, how all I long for is goodness in your life, for you to know the sweetness of freedom and grace that abounds. I may grumble about how tired I am, and while that is true, I would never give up this duty, this job, this delight I have in nurturing you, in providing you what you need to grow. whenever I get down on myself about the soft tummy pregnancy has left me with, I remember you and remember what my body did and continues to do. I thank God for you.  

M O T H E R H O O D I S . . .

motherhood is...

• binge watching grey's anatomy 
• holding your baby for every nap
• drinking cold brew coffee all. day. long. 
• rocking in the rocker like it's leg day at the gym
• ice cream before dinner
• skinny pop as your meals because you don't have time to cook anything 
• laying your baby down, praying he will not fuss for 0.7 seconds 
• accomplishing one tiny load of laundry while you have a whole house to pack up
• taking a shitty picture for this blog post and editing it to look *~*ArTsY*~* to hide your bad picture taking (while only accentuating it)
• keeping your child in their jammies all daybecause you forgot to get them dressed for the day
• nursing every 5 minutes
• leaking through three shirts (while wearing nursing pads) 
• eating dinner in the car with your husband listening to serial just to get a break and so your baby will sleep

D A Y S L I K E T H E S E

it's days like this that I truly see and feel God's sacrificial love for me. not that my love is anything like His, but it's days like this where my bones ache and my eyes are heavy and I've feel like I've given everything that I understand what that's like. it means surrendering all for the good of whom you love. giving of yourself, your mind, body and spirit, dedicating everything you have and everything you are for the sake of another. my love is not perfect, but I am grateful that His love is. I hope as I journey through this adventure called motherhood that I am transformed to love more, to love harder, to be giving of myself until there is no more to give, so that I may be filled again by He who is faithful. 

G R A C E

this morning, I woke up discouraged. I woke up exhausted. I woke up defeated. I decided to make a list of the ways I saw God's grace in my day. I found it really helped to keep me focused on the positive:

• Asher happily laying next to me so I can rest
• Asher giving me smiles
• a husband who works so hard so I can stay home
• the 4 hours of sleep I got (I could've had none)
• the relief from the food poisoning I had last night
• that ash went down for his morning nap without a fight 
• a friend's kind and encouraging words about friendship 
• postmates delivery of venti Starbucks drinks (with a waived delivery fee)
• a snuggly baby reaching for the heavens 
• a heater that works
• a happy baby after his nap
• Aaron coming home and making me lunch 
• Aaron lighting candles before he went back to work
• an uninterrupted shower with jasmine shampoo
• not having to make dinner
• a husband who will try to settle Asher when I feel like I can't do it anymore 

i am so grateful to serve such a gracious God.

L E T T E R 1

dear ash baby,

early this morning, you brought me to tears. mostly out of frustration that I couldn't get you back to sleep, but also because of my insecurity if I'm cut out to be your mother. yes, that's doubt and fear speaking. I constantly wonder if I'm doing the right things, if I'm loving you enough. and what I know is that most of the time, I am. but there are times I fail. I fail hard. I cry because I don't understand what you need. or I think about prioritizing household duties over your snuggles. 

but still, hour by hour, you freely give your love to me. you snuggle your head into my chest, your arms reaching for my neck. and in those moments I remember how truly blessed I am to be your mother.

I am truly blessed that God has given me this privilege. Asher, I have never known a love like this. thank you for always reaffirming your love for me. thank you for your grace for me. I am so blessed to be your mama bear, forever and always. 

O N E M O N T H

I cannot believe a whole month has passed since we met this sweet little soul. Asher is the best thing that has ever happened to us and time is flying by! I constantly say, "he's so big." he is such a happy baby (knock on wood!), loves bath time and playing with daddy's arm hair. he will only sleep on mama, has blue eyes that look around curiously, and has earned the nickname wiggle worm. he's been holding his head up since birth and loves to try to climb up you. he has long fingers and toes and the cutest ears. he did great on our flights to California and back home and loved meeting family and friends. we can't remember life before him. Asher, you've captured our hearts. 

C A L I F O R N I A

last night we got home from our trip to California. what a whirlwind! I have now nursed in two airports, on two airplanes, in numerous restaurants and houses. while it was so great to see family and friends, I sure am glad to be home. well, what is home for the next 3.5 weeks. I can't believe we're moving so soon. there is so much to do, and as we were landing last night, I felt a deep sadness come over me. 

we are leaving this place we've called home. this place where we've moved three times, gained two family members and where our marriage has grown like nothing we could have ever imagined. we are leaving this place where I battled depression and anxiety and experienced the highest high with the birth of Asher. Colorado will always be a place of new life and beauty for me. 

I became a mother in Colorado. I have learned sacrificial love here. I have seen beautiful sites here and met beautiful people. I have known God here. I will miss this place. 

San Diego,we're ready for you. we're ready for the happy and the sad, the easy and the hard, all the growth and beauty you have to offer. we can't wait to see what is in store for us. 

and I just had to include this photo because my little ash baby is the cutest thing on the planet. New Years Eve 2015. 

M A M A H O O D

wow, can i just say what a whirlwind these past 16 days have been. being a mother is everything I've wanted and hoped for. it's also come with so many tears and trials. as I sit here, ash has been asleep for 3 minutes (on me, of course). he only sleeps on me. at night. during the day. all. the. time. i soak up the snuggles and love, but also think about all that I have to do. we're flying to California tomorrow night for 11 days, so I have to pack everything. and yes, we're crazy for traveling with a 2.5 week old baby during the holidays. it's hard not being able to do what I've always done.

also. there's the thing that Aaron is back at work today. after two weeks, it's just me and ash. and I've cried a lot. so has he (Asher). we're on the same page. this is hard. we're learning how things should be, what our new normal is. right now, our normal is nursing 24/7 and sleeping very little. it's screaming during outfit changes but staring with wonder at his mobile during diaper changes (for mama at least). it's watching lots of park & rec and playing gridblock. it's drinking sweet tea and leaking through at least two shirts a day. it's lots of kisses and learning to see the world through my bear's deep blue eyes. 

I'm comforted by this article I read today: 

http://nurshable.com/2012/05/04/i-am-not-a-human-pacifier/

an excerpt is below:

I am not a “human pacifier”. I am what you have a biological and evolutionary need for. I will not devalue your needs by implying that you lack the wisdom and understanding of what those needs are. I will not devalue your needs by becoming frustrated by your refusal to accept something that does not meet those needs. I want you to listen to your body from the beginning, to understand the difference between a healthy need of yours and a pacifying object. To have an understanding that dates back to the beginnings of your time on this planet.. That comfort comes from having your needs met, not from distracting yourself with something pink, pretty and plastic.

No manufacturer makes what you need for happiness, little one. I want you to understand this from the beginning of your life. Happiness comes from love, from closeness, and from deep inside of you. Seek this happiness, and never be distracted by things that simply pacify you rather than satisfying your needs.

this was exactly what I needed to read today. I needed to be clothed in this truth (along with all the breast milk and spit up in the world). I needed this grace and knowledge that what I'm doing by feeding, nurturing and comforting my son is more important than packing or cleaning or taking care of business. I'm a mother. this is my new normal. 

D E C E M B E R B A B Y

our baby boy is here and i really can't believe it! I wish I would've written this sooner, but taking care of my little bear is really a full time job (duh haha).

asher michael villarreal was born on saturday, december 5th at 4:25 in the early morning. let me just say, my labor and delivery was nothing I could've ever imagined. 

my due date came and went, and we were nearing 41 weeks. I wasn't as miserable as I thought I would be, but gosh darn it I just wanted my little man outta there! I tried everything I felt comfortable with up until then to induce on my own: eating pineapple, walking insane amounts, bouncing on a yoga ball, evening primrose oil up there to ripen my cervix, as much sex as my body could bear...but nothing was working. at my 41 week appointment, the doc said my cervix was a tight 1 cm and 75% effaced. we decided enough was enough and decided to go ahead and induce. we really wanted to do everything all natural, from beginning to end, but that just wasn't in the cards for us. 

it started Thursday night, December 3rd. I went in around 8 pm to start my induction. we filled out the necessary paperwork and met our nurse and doctors. after getting situated, a pill called misopril was inserted to soften my cervix and help me to dilate. that was around 10 pm. the nurse said around 2 am I would be checked to see what progress I was making. I slept on and off during those 4 hours and apparently I was contracting like crazy, but I wasn't in much pain. since I was having so many contractions, I was hoping I made some progress. I was checked again, and dilated barely a half centimeter more. so another misopril was inserted, and we waited. 

around 4 am, I started contracting really badly. like I couldn't talk, couldn't walk, couldn't think through them. I worked through them and eventually got into the bath with Aaron. I labored in there with some jets for about half an hour, but it wasn't as relaxing as I thought it would be. I was checked again, and was dilated the same. I seriously couldn't believe it. I was so discouraged. I felt like mentally I was doing all this work and making progress and my body wasn't keeping up. I finally asked for some pain medication a few hours later since I was confined to my bed for monitoring and I was so uncomfortable. 

the next step in this saga was to get a cervical ripening balloon inserted and start pitocin. yes, it is as bad as it sounds. it was horrifying. I didn't even know it was going to happen when it did, and Aaron happened to be at lunch with his mom. they checked me yet again (which was almost worse than my contractions since my cervix was so far back) and went ahead and inserted the balloon. 

you guys, I screamed. I started freaking out and hysterically crying. I screamed that I couldn't do this and that I wanted to stop. 

then, my mom passed out. 

yep. my poor mom. she was the only one in the room and was holding my hand while they were putting a balloon in my vagina. she said, "I'm going to pass out" and she kept her promise. luckily a nurse caught her and she didn't hurt herself. 

while all this chaos was going on, Aaron and his mom walk in and my mother in law starts crying. Aaron said he felt like he was walking into a war zone.

and then, something awesome happened. my dad walked in the room! he had been in Colorado the week before my due date, so I was bummed he wouldn't be there to meet his grandson. but then he was! it was an absolute shock. I was so stoked! it made this process so much more special. 

after a couple hours of more laboring (in bed, which was the worst), I asked for an epidural. initially, I was disappointed. I really wanted to do this all natural. but there was no way I could continue. I would've passed out and never had this baby haha. so get this, I get an epidural, and it doesn't work. 

it

doesn't 

work. 

how is that even possible?! the anesthesiologist didn't know what happened, so she had to redo it. and since you're wondering, of course I wanted another needle inserted in my spine while contracting--one just wasn't enough. 

so the epidural worked and y'all that was good. I was able to get some rest while the balloon and pitocin did their business. around 7 pm, the nurses changed shifts and our favorite nurse Katie checked my balloon. she said it would pull right out when I was 4 cm dilated. and guess what?!

it did!!! 

lord have mercy, i was finally making some process! from there, things progressed fairly quickly (I guess...it seemed like it took forever). around 10 pm, I was at 6 cm, fully effaced and at the 0 station. we made it to transition, and I slept on and off until a little after midnight when I was checked again and was 10 cm. at 1:44 am, it was time to push. 

when I started to push, I was extremely frustrated because I couldn't feel where I was pushing (curse of the epidural). the nurse had the epidural dose turned down, and then we started making progress. in the beginning, I was screaming that I couldn't do it. I was dry heaving and throwing up (which I didn't know was a thing that would happen) I cried to my nurse and Aaron. they were such a great encouragement to me that about halfway through, I felt like superwoman. I was pushing like a champion and making progress. then, he crowned. I felt his head and freaked out in a good way. there was a human making its way to this world through me. by God's grace, we made it. we were almost there. 

at 4:25 am, my baby was born. the love of my life was here. our parents were standing outside the room and my dad says I yelled "it's a baby! it's my baby!"

after 30 hours of labor, my little man was in my arms. we had an awesome golden hour with lots of skin to skin. but our trial didn't end there. 

the nurse noticed Asher trembling, and tested his blood glucose level. it was 23; normal is 40. we were transferred to recovery where we gave him some donor milk to hopefully boost his sugars. he was tested again, and it dropped to 21. my heart was broken. the only solution was the transfer him to the NICU to put him on an IV of dextrose. we walked over with him, and the doctor explained their plan. they would start him on 10 cc of dextrose an hour, then test his sugars every 4 hours before a feeding. they wanted to see his sugars above 50 consistently before releasing him back into our care. 

I have never cried so much in my life. I had just labored for 30 hours to bring my little love into this world, and now I couldn't be with him? I was crushed. we left the NICU to shower and get some rest. the doctor came to tell us that ash needed to be put on oxygen since his pulse ox stats were below 90. she made it seem like it wasn't a big deal since Colorado born babies tend to have this issue because of the elevation, but I lost it. to see my baby with an IV and cannula was heart breaking. we spent most of our time in the NICU while Asher slept, and we tried to nurse and had lots of skin to skin. we had some really awesome nurses who encouraged us. finally, on Monday morning at 2 am, he was transferred back to us. my heart was so light seeing my baby boy sleeping next to my bed. we came home that Monday and life has been wonderful and sleepy and cuddly since then. 

this boy has my heart for my whole life. looking back at this year, God has taught me so much. I feel like my labor verse sums up so much of what God was trying to teach and instill in me: "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you." Isaiah 26:3. and God did just that. now, back to cuddling this baby bear of mine.