TO THE BOY WHO MADE ME A MAMA

i wish i could say i wanted a boy all along. if i'm being completely honest, i never thought i would be a boy mom. i'm not really into dinosaurs or race cars. i had always dreamed of pigtails and dresses; of matching outfits and headbands. i thought my life would be all girl, all the time. when i was pregnant with asher, i thought FOR SURE he was a girl. i thought that my dreams of mothering a little girl would come true. i could picture us baking cookies in matching aprons and picking out nail polish together at the salon. then, when we got our 20 week ultrasound, and i heard the words "you're having a boy", something in me shifted. i can't quite explain what i felt. some disappointment? sure. i almost asked the technician how sure she was that our little one was indeed a boy.

as the weeks following the appointment passed and i spent my days sick on the couch only being able to stomach sprite and sourdough toast, my dreams started to shift. i started dreaming of the boy i was carrying, and who God was creating him to be. would he be stubborn like his mama and musical like his daddy? would he be a chef, an artist, a missionary? would his eyes be blue and hair be blonde? would he be a rough and tumble kind of kid or a sensitive brainiac? i started to get really excited about having a son, a little roughneck who would cuddle me before bed, who would love racecars and bugs and building things, who could still join this mama in the kitchen to bake, and who could match daddy instead.

i don't know what God has planned for us in terms of expanding our family, but asher is all i've ever wanted.

asher, thank you for making me a mama. as i think back on the time we've spent together, it seems like you've always been around but that time has just flown. time is a thief, but i am blessed to watch how God is growing you. i will always treasure the way you hold my hand while nursing, how you wrap your arms around my neck when i hold you, and the huge gummy grin you flash me when i get you from your crib. you are the child i've always dreamed of.