MUSINGS

''In some cultures, the word for “pregnant mother” is the same as the word for “new mother”, which essentially translates as Motherbaby: implying that whatever affects the mother also affects the baby, both before birth and after birth. You can think of the Motherbaby as a newborn entity who requires a great deal of care, nourishment, kindness, and support throughout the slow transition into two separate, distinct beings. She needs to be fed, held, comforted. She needs sleep, support and safety. Most of all, a newborn mother should never be left to cry it out alone. Someone needs to respond to her cries; someone needs to be there to reach out and say “I know… I know… it’s so hard… it feels impossible, and yet I know that you can do it, because you ARE doing it…” -Lauralyn Curtis

//

the above quote was shared with me when i was so sick during my pregnancy. a sweet mama friend sent it to me, and said that even though i hadn't met asher earthside yet, i was doing everything he needed me to. as these days fly by (my baby will be 16 weeks on saturday), i find myself struggling to be in the now and to let go of what i think a perfect day with asher is. i am constantly timing naps and feedings and how can i help him roll and sit and burp and how many dirty diapers has he had today and what is that on his face and did i seriously go a whole day (and sleep) with poop on my shirt (true story).

i am learning that it is possible to let go of what i think a perfect day is (heck, i am free to let go of what i think a perfect life is!). i can let go of controlling every little thing and accept asher for who he is. it is so difficult for me, an anxious googler and comparison queen, to not constantly want asher to be different. maybe different isn't the right word...i think "textbook" is a better fit. and i don't want that to become a habit or the routine of our lives together.

i have constantly been stressing about asher's sleep. he isn't the greatest napper, doesn't sleep a full 12 hours at night, and still wakes up to eat two times in the night. compared to where he should be by a general standard, he is a poor sleeper. i have needed to remind myself that he will sleep as he is tired, and as long as i keep consistency, that is key for my baby to get the hang of things.

asher is so full of energy and life, and while sometimes he is so independent that he wants to just explore what he can, the snuggles he gives me just melt me. last night, asher woke up from his sleep (not to eat) and just cried. now, i'm not in the camp of letting my child cry himself to sleep from exhaustion, but aaron and i try to implement a modified cry it out training with gentle coaching. ash is typically a good soother and can put himself to sleep 95% of the time, but last night just wasn't one of those nights. i went in and noticed he was sweating from his swaddle, so i unwrapped him and picked him up (so unbabywise) and he just nuzzled into my neck and rested there. oh my heart. if i could bottle up that feeling and use it to perfume my life with, i would.

with regard to why i was created, after worshipping Jesus, i was created to be a wife and mother. everything up to this point in my life has been preparing me to care for another one, so completely dependent on me. aaron and i have been discussing about when we want to grow our family and i seriously keep pushing it further away because i want to soak up all that asher has to offer. i want to hold him and snuggle him. i want him to feel loved and adored, and while i know i could do that with another child, i just want to soak in this time where it's just the three of us.