TO THE BOY WHO MADE ME A MAMA

i wish i could say i wanted a boy all along. if i'm being completely honest, i never thought i would be a boy mom. i'm not really into dinosaurs or race cars. i had always dreamed of pigtails and dresses; of matching outfits and headbands. i thought my life would be all girl, all the time. when i was pregnant with asher, i thought FOR SURE he was a girl. i thought that my dreams of mothering a little girl would come true. i could picture us baking cookies in matching aprons and picking out nail polish together at the salon. then, when we got our 20 week ultrasound, and i heard the words "you're having a boy", something in me shifted. i can't quite explain what i felt. some disappointment? sure. i almost asked the technician how sure she was that our little one was indeed a boy.

as the weeks following the appointment passed and i spent my days sick on the couch only being able to stomach sprite and sourdough toast, my dreams started to shift. i started dreaming of the boy i was carrying, and who God was creating him to be. would he be stubborn like his mama and musical like his daddy? would he be a chef, an artist, a missionary? would his eyes be blue and hair be blonde? would he be a rough and tumble kind of kid or a sensitive brainiac? i started to get really excited about having a son, a little roughneck who would cuddle me before bed, who would love racecars and bugs and building things, who could still join this mama in the kitchen to bake, and who could match daddy instead.

i don't know what God has planned for us in terms of expanding our family, but asher is all i've ever wanted.

asher, thank you for making me a mama. as i think back on the time we've spent together, it seems like you've always been around but that time has just flown. time is a thief, but i am blessed to watch how God is growing you. i will always treasure the way you hold my hand while nursing, how you wrap your arms around my neck when i hold you, and the huge gummy grin you flash me when i get you from your crib. you are the child i've always dreamed of.

T H R E E M O N T H S

Asher is 3 months old today! he is such a sweetheart. he really enjoys playing with his activity center and being outside; he loves the sunny California weather! he is showing signs of teething (cue drool EVERYWHERE) and will let out the cutest laugh when you tickle him. he loves everyone around him and will kick his little legs when he's excited. we can't wait to see what this month brings us! we love you baby bear!

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he is showing signs of teething (cue drool EVERYWHERE.

and because i'm super mom (not haha), here is his 2 month post that i forgot to post here.

our baby bear is two months old today! he is becoming much more active and always greets us with a big smile after nap time. he loves to blow spit bubbles, tummy time and when his mama and daddy read him stories. he was champ as we drove through Colorado, New Mexico, Arizona and California and is loving his new home. he is constantly looking at lights in the ceiling and will have a full on cooing conversation with those he loves. he started sleeping on his own and just rolled from his tummy to his back today! and of course he'll be rooting for the Broncos this Sunday. we love you ash baby!

B A B Y W O E S

it may come as a surprise, but this past weekend was one of the hardest as a mother. you may be thinking, "isn't asher almost three months? how are you just having your hardest weekend now? don't you have it down by now?" (at least that's what i'm asking myself).

my child has always been gassy, since day 1. but it hasn't seemed to cause him any discomfort or pain until now. to see your baby in pain, to know you are doing everything you can in your power to comfort and help him, and for it to still not work; well, that's heart wrenching. add that to early bedtimes (we're talking between 6-7 pm) which means early wake up times (never thought i would see 4 am so often) and short naps (yep, my great 2 hour napper has gone to 20-40 minute naps), i am seriously a wreck. i am so sleep deprived and my patience is thin.

we had family here this past weekend, and while i love visiting, i have found it challenging to balance having an infant that everyone wants to see, and making sure my lovebug gets what he needs. sure, we all like to think that baby comes first, baby's schedule is priority, baby gets naps as soon as he looks tired, but i have found that to not be the case with me. while i get that he's cute (trust me, he's the cutest baby in the world) and therefore you just never want to put him down, i have found myself having to put my foot down. i have had to remind family to not be selfish, that ash needs to rest to grow and to just be plain happy. and that's tough. since moving back closer to family, everyone wants to hog him, which like i said, i totally get. i just know that i'll need to be a better enforcer when it comes to these things.

so on saturday, when asher was freaking out from gas/lack of sleep/whatever else, the only thing that would comfort him was nursing. i used a shield for the first 12 weeks since he had some trouble with latching, but we've been weaning from it this week and man, oh man, am i in pain! so i took his clothes off since he was sweating so much from screaming, laid down with him and started nursing. he fell asleep and we took a glorious nap. i should've slept longer but i couldn't stop staring at him. this nap was especially special for me because i was just a wreck earlier that day from an instagram post i saw. the picture was posted by a mother in remembrance of one of her twins that she lost on valentine's day. i read it as i was rocking asher that morning and it just wrecked me. as i stared down as his sweet little face, i was overwhelmed with gratitude and grief. i was so grateful that i have the privilege to comfort my sweet baby, but saddened by the fact that i won't be able to do that for our other little one we lost this side of heaven. i started to dream of who that little one would've been, how ash would have had a built in best friend, how we would have two of everything instead of one. all in all, this weekend was filled with tears and exhaustion and gratitude.

as i sit here to type this, asher has been asleep for 2.5 hours, which is a miracle. i held him for the first hour of his nap, just so that he could at least get a full cycle in. and he's still going! i'm hoping that he's not as fussy about his gas if he's well rested. i just know this mama is beat and will definitely be napping today!

L E T T E R 2

ash, as you start to stir and wake in the early morning hours, I begin to wake and prepare for our time together. I bring you into bed with me, undo your swaddle and snuggle up next to you. as you begin to nurse, I can't help but thank God for the privilege in being your mother. I feel your feet kick my (still) soft tummy, and remember when you made your home there. it is unfathomable to me that 12 weeks have passed since you've left that home for a new one. I feel your hand sweep across my chest, and for a second you linger over my heart. oh baby boy, if only you knew how my heart beats for you, how all I long for is goodness in your life, for you to know the sweetness of freedom and grace that abounds. I may grumble about how tired I am, and while that is true, I would never give up this duty, this job, this delight I have in nurturing you, in providing you what you need to grow. whenever I get down on myself about the soft tummy pregnancy has left me with, I remember you and remember what my body did and continues to do. I thank God for you.  

M O T H E R H O O D I S . . .

motherhood is...

• binge watching grey's anatomy 
• holding your baby for every nap
• drinking cold brew coffee all. day. long. 
• rocking in the rocker like it's leg day at the gym
• ice cream before dinner
• skinny pop as your meals because you don't have time to cook anything 
• laying your baby down, praying he will not fuss for 0.7 seconds 
• accomplishing one tiny load of laundry while you have a whole house to pack up
• taking a shitty picture for this blog post and editing it to look *~*ArTsY*~* to hide your bad picture taking (while only accentuating it)
• keeping your child in their jammies all daybecause you forgot to get them dressed for the day
• nursing every 5 minutes
• leaking through three shirts (while wearing nursing pads) 
• eating dinner in the car with your husband listening to serial just to get a break and so your baby will sleep