M A M A H O O D

wow, can i just say what a whirlwind these past 16 days have been. being a mother is everything I've wanted and hoped for. it's also come with so many tears and trials. as I sit here, ash has been asleep for 3 minutes (on me, of course). he only sleeps on me. at night. during the day. all. the. time. i soak up the snuggles and love, but also think about all that I have to do. we're flying to California tomorrow night for 11 days, so I have to pack everything. and yes, we're crazy for traveling with a 2.5 week old baby during the holidays. it's hard not being able to do what I've always done.

also. there's the thing that Aaron is back at work today. after two weeks, it's just me and ash. and I've cried a lot. so has he (Asher). we're on the same page. this is hard. we're learning how things should be, what our new normal is. right now, our normal is nursing 24/7 and sleeping very little. it's screaming during outfit changes but staring with wonder at his mobile during diaper changes (for mama at least). it's watching lots of park & rec and playing gridblock. it's drinking sweet tea and leaking through at least two shirts a day. it's lots of kisses and learning to see the world through my bear's deep blue eyes. 

I'm comforted by this article I read today: 

http://nurshable.com/2012/05/04/i-am-not-a-human-pacifier/

an excerpt is below:

I am not a “human pacifier”. I am what you have a biological and evolutionary need for. I will not devalue your needs by implying that you lack the wisdom and understanding of what those needs are. I will not devalue your needs by becoming frustrated by your refusal to accept something that does not meet those needs. I want you to listen to your body from the beginning, to understand the difference between a healthy need of yours and a pacifying object. To have an understanding that dates back to the beginnings of your time on this planet.. That comfort comes from having your needs met, not from distracting yourself with something pink, pretty and plastic.

No manufacturer makes what you need for happiness, little one. I want you to understand this from the beginning of your life. Happiness comes from love, from closeness, and from deep inside of you. Seek this happiness, and never be distracted by things that simply pacify you rather than satisfying your needs.

this was exactly what I needed to read today. I needed to be clothed in this truth (along with all the breast milk and spit up in the world). I needed this grace and knowledge that what I'm doing by feeding, nurturing and comforting my son is more important than packing or cleaning or taking care of business. I'm a mother. this is my new normal. 

D E C E M B E R B A B Y

our baby boy is here and i really can't believe it! I wish I would've written this sooner, but taking care of my little bear is really a full time job (duh haha).

asher michael villarreal was born on saturday, december 5th at 4:25 in the early morning. let me just say, my labor and delivery was nothing I could've ever imagined. 

my due date came and went, and we were nearing 41 weeks. I wasn't as miserable as I thought I would be, but gosh darn it I just wanted my little man outta there! I tried everything I felt comfortable with up until then to induce on my own: eating pineapple, walking insane amounts, bouncing on a yoga ball, evening primrose oil up there to ripen my cervix, as much sex as my body could bear...but nothing was working. at my 41 week appointment, the doc said my cervix was a tight 1 cm and 75% effaced. we decided enough was enough and decided to go ahead and induce. we really wanted to do everything all natural, from beginning to end, but that just wasn't in the cards for us. 

it started Thursday night, December 3rd. I went in around 8 pm to start my induction. we filled out the necessary paperwork and met our nurse and doctors. after getting situated, a pill called misopril was inserted to soften my cervix and help me to dilate. that was around 10 pm. the nurse said around 2 am I would be checked to see what progress I was making. I slept on and off during those 4 hours and apparently I was contracting like crazy, but I wasn't in much pain. since I was having so many contractions, I was hoping I made some progress. I was checked again, and dilated barely a half centimeter more. so another misopril was inserted, and we waited. 

around 4 am, I started contracting really badly. like I couldn't talk, couldn't walk, couldn't think through them. I worked through them and eventually got into the bath with Aaron. I labored in there with some jets for about half an hour, but it wasn't as relaxing as I thought it would be. I was checked again, and was dilated the same. I seriously couldn't believe it. I was so discouraged. I felt like mentally I was doing all this work and making progress and my body wasn't keeping up. I finally asked for some pain medication a few hours later since I was confined to my bed for monitoring and I was so uncomfortable. 

the next step in this saga was to get a cervical ripening balloon inserted and start pitocin. yes, it is as bad as it sounds. it was horrifying. I didn't even know it was going to happen when it did, and Aaron happened to be at lunch with his mom. they checked me yet again (which was almost worse than my contractions since my cervix was so far back) and went ahead and inserted the balloon. 

you guys, I screamed. I started freaking out and hysterically crying. I screamed that I couldn't do this and that I wanted to stop. 

then, my mom passed out. 

yep. my poor mom. she was the only one in the room and was holding my hand while they were putting a balloon in my vagina. she said, "I'm going to pass out" and she kept her promise. luckily a nurse caught her and she didn't hurt herself. 

while all this chaos was going on, Aaron and his mom walk in and my mother in law starts crying. Aaron said he felt like he was walking into a war zone.

and then, something awesome happened. my dad walked in the room! he had been in Colorado the week before my due date, so I was bummed he wouldn't be there to meet his grandson. but then he was! it was an absolute shock. I was so stoked! it made this process so much more special. 

after a couple hours of more laboring (in bed, which was the worst), I asked for an epidural. initially, I was disappointed. I really wanted to do this all natural. but there was no way I could continue. I would've passed out and never had this baby haha. so get this, I get an epidural, and it doesn't work. 

it

doesn't 

work. 

how is that even possible?! the anesthesiologist didn't know what happened, so she had to redo it. and since you're wondering, of course I wanted another needle inserted in my spine while contracting--one just wasn't enough. 

so the epidural worked and y'all that was good. I was able to get some rest while the balloon and pitocin did their business. around 7 pm, the nurses changed shifts and our favorite nurse Katie checked my balloon. she said it would pull right out when I was 4 cm dilated. and guess what?!

it did!!! 

lord have mercy, i was finally making some process! from there, things progressed fairly quickly (I guess...it seemed like it took forever). around 10 pm, I was at 6 cm, fully effaced and at the 0 station. we made it to transition, and I slept on and off until a little after midnight when I was checked again and was 10 cm. at 1:44 am, it was time to push. 

when I started to push, I was extremely frustrated because I couldn't feel where I was pushing (curse of the epidural). the nurse had the epidural dose turned down, and then we started making progress. in the beginning, I was screaming that I couldn't do it. I was dry heaving and throwing up (which I didn't know was a thing that would happen) I cried to my nurse and Aaron. they were such a great encouragement to me that about halfway through, I felt like superwoman. I was pushing like a champion and making progress. then, he crowned. I felt his head and freaked out in a good way. there was a human making its way to this world through me. by God's grace, we made it. we were almost there. 

at 4:25 am, my baby was born. the love of my life was here. our parents were standing outside the room and my dad says I yelled "it's a baby! it's my baby!"

after 30 hours of labor, my little man was in my arms. we had an awesome golden hour with lots of skin to skin. but our trial didn't end there. 

the nurse noticed Asher trembling, and tested his blood glucose level. it was 23; normal is 40. we were transferred to recovery where we gave him some donor milk to hopefully boost his sugars. he was tested again, and it dropped to 21. my heart was broken. the only solution was the transfer him to the NICU to put him on an IV of dextrose. we walked over with him, and the doctor explained their plan. they would start him on 10 cc of dextrose an hour, then test his sugars every 4 hours before a feeding. they wanted to see his sugars above 50 consistently before releasing him back into our care. 

I have never cried so much in my life. I had just labored for 30 hours to bring my little love into this world, and now I couldn't be with him? I was crushed. we left the NICU to shower and get some rest. the doctor came to tell us that ash needed to be put on oxygen since his pulse ox stats were below 90. she made it seem like it wasn't a big deal since Colorado born babies tend to have this issue because of the elevation, but I lost it. to see my baby with an IV and cannula was heart breaking. we spent most of our time in the NICU while Asher slept, and we tried to nurse and had lots of skin to skin. we had some really awesome nurses who encouraged us. finally, on Monday morning at 2 am, he was transferred back to us. my heart was so light seeing my baby boy sleeping next to my bed. we came home that Monday and life has been wonderful and sleepy and cuddly since then. 

this boy has my heart for my whole life. looking back at this year, God has taught me so much. I feel like my labor verse sums up so much of what God was trying to teach and instill in me: "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you." Isaiah 26:3. and God did just that. now, back to cuddling this baby bear of mine. 

I T ' S A B O U T T O G E T C R A Z Y

i can't believe it...these little babies are going to have a baby in about 3 seconds. this picture is from 2011, and little did i know at that time that that handsome man would be my forever, the one i would choose to say i do to every day for the rest of my life, the one i would go on adventures with and the one i would start a family with. in just less than two weeks, we will embark on the biggest journey we've ever encountered: parenthood! i am so incredibly proud of who this man is and everything he does for our family.

that being said...when is life for the villarreals ever stagnant or unchanging? (the answer is never). just two short months after we receive the greatest blessing of our lives, we'll be moving, again!

surprise surprise!

when i found out i was pregnant in march, we weren't quite sure what God's plans were for our family in terms of where we should plant our roots. we had been back and forth between staying in denver or moving back to california. we started to really envision ourselves in denver and could really see us raising a family here. plus, denver is awesome; why would you want to live anywhere else?

well, family. that's the main thing that we really had to consider. when we moved to colorado in 2014, we knew that we would be lone wolves out here. we didn't know anybody, not even a friend of a friend of a friend. in grand junction, i battled deep depression and anxiety, and when we moved to denver, things really started looking up. we made friends, found a church we loved, really tried to get plugged into community. until i got pregnant. then i couldn't do anything. i was so sick i seriously thought i might die. and no, i don't believe i'm exaggerating. things have certainly gotten better for me throughout my pregnancy, and during summer, we decided we needed to really talk about where to plant roots since our little guy would be coming soon (ps so weird that we're going to have a son...like i am so beyond stoked and who am i kidding? so weird we're going to have a kid. like there's a real life human baby inside of me)

in august, after much prayer and discussion, aaron reached out to the necessary people at his work to start a transfer discussion. we gleaned so much from our families growing up, and felt that if God opened the door, we would move back to southern california. most of our california friends would think we're crazy because for some reason, everyone wants to get the heck outta there. and trust, we definitely considered that. we were those people once. but in thinking big picture, in thinking about asher, in thinking about our families, we knew that the next step was to at least try.

now, we knew we really didn't want to be in orange county. orange county isn't terrible, but it definitely isn't the place we wanted to plant roots. so we prayed. and researched. and talked. and for some reason, san diego was laid on our hearts. san diego has always been a special place for us. it's where aaron and i were engaged, where we spent a few day dates, where we've just always seen ourselves. so after voicing his desire for a transfer in august, we were told we needed to wait. we were also told that san diego may not be available, so it might be long beach or anaheim. we told them we had a timeline: we could either (safely) move before october or after january. we wanted a two month window before and after asher's birth just because we knew we would go crazy without it.

so we waited. and prayed. and waited. and cried. and stressed. and waited. august turned into september turned into october. i was seriously always thinking about it. then, my mom (don't ya love moms?) sent me this awesome quote: "do not say in thine heart what thou wilt or wilt not do, but wait upon God until He makes known His way. so long as that way is hidden it is clear that there is no need of action, and that He accounts Himself responsible for all the results of keeping thee where thou art." y'all, this blew my mind. suddenly, i was at peace. i felt calm. i felt like okay, yeah, i don't have any decision to make right now anyways, so why stress? so it melted away. and God replaced it with this overwhelming feeling of contentedness. i felt like we were right where we needed to be. so i became comfortable with the idea of staying in denver. maybe that was God's plan. family isn't just biological; we had made some wonderful friends at church who felt like family to us.

and then,

it happened.

aaron called me and said "are you sitting down?"

and of course i was because i'm lazy and pregnant.

and he told me there was an opening.

in

san diego!

and

it was a promotion!!!!

i was speechless. which doesn't happen because i always have a lot to say and tend to overtalk my points. i blame my parents. they're both talkers.

so we took some time. we prayed. we thought about logistics. and then we accepted. and we cried.

God is so good. He just always provides and i admit i am always so quick to forget that.

so we're moving! and having a baby.

my head kind of spins at the thought of the next season.

we have a baby.
then we go to california for 11 days less than a month later.
then we move 27 days after we come back to denver.

guess i probably should've been prepping or packing or whatever instead of writing this. but this is what i want to remember. this craziness, this excitement, this time in our lives. i am proud of where God has taken us, and i can't wait for our next adventure.

U N S A T I S F I E D

as i sit here on this chilly day in denver contemplating how life will change in 6 weeks or less for us, i am deeply unsatisfied. it has nothing to do with where we live, the clothes i wear or the things i have. it has to do with how deeply unsatisfied i am with how i'm living my life. sure, i've got some of the basics down. i surely do my best to keep life fun, especially in my marriage, but there has to be more to this day to day journey that are the puzzle pieces of a bigger picture. since we've been married, i have become a lesser person. this is in no way a pity post; it is just a good hard look at the kind of woman, wife, friend, sister and mother i am. and let me tell you, i'm not happy with what i find.

since becoming pregnant, i have been a bum. a dud. a no fun to be had girl. and you know what? i really hate that. before falling into the routine of marriage, aaron and i were adventurers. we were out almost every night of the week doing something fun or different or challenging. and let me tell you...i've been worse since moving to colorado. i am ashamed to say we have not taken the time to explore this beautiful state we call our home. and when i think about why, and search my heart for reasons as to why i'm wasting this life, i think it's truly because i am not satisfied. i'm not satisfied with who i am as a person. i am incredibly grateful that my foundation and worth is rooted in the Giver of Life, but other than that, what do i have to offer? like i said, this isn't a pity post or one where i'm lamenting how lame i am, but i'm truly searching for something more.

i was scrolling through instagram today (because i'm the bum i mentioned above) and stumbled upon a girl from my church. i don't really know her, but i know of her (because let's face it, i know of a lot of people because i haven't taken time to get to know them). i was just so enthralled with her feed: pictures of adventures and baked goods and exploring and traditions and just stuff that makes your heart warm. but as i was doing this, i noticed how jealous i was, how envy just consumed every fiber of my being. i wanted her life; not so much the exact specifications of where she lives, who she's married to, what she does, but i wanted to find as much pleasure in living the day to day as she seemed to. don't get me wrong, i am not naive to the fact that most instagram lives are not what they seem; everyone has their hardships and lazy days filled with no fun. but what do i have to show for my life? what am i doing to create memories to look back on? do i really want my memories to be of watching netflix day and night, napping and making easy dinners?

this has definitely been a difficult season, one that has prevented me from reaching out and exploring and doing more. i have grace for myself in that. but when i think about the kind of life i am creating for my husband and my son, is it one that they will think back to and smile? or is it one that they won't really remember, a life of monotony and dullness? one that lacks color and laughs and mishaps and adventures. i am ashamed of the wife i've been and the person i've become. i used to be fun, always wanting to see new places and try new foods and do new things. i was spontaneous and fickle and lively. now, it seems my spontaneity extends to what show i'll watch today and my fickleness is focused on anxieties and worries of this life.

so from today on, i want to be different. i want to live my life in a way that is glorifying and exciting and lively. i know that life doesn't always look like that, and that there will be days of netflix and pizza. but i want the majority of my days to be spent marveling at God's creation, or doing something new, or investing in people. i don't know exactly how i'll do this. i guess to start going places and start making friends and stop envying others. i want to live an authentic life. i want to be young. i don't want asher to come into this life and think that all there is to it is entertainment and laziness. i want him to dream and wonder and explore. and i want that for me and aaron too. after all, isn't that what God wants for His children? to love and honor and be free?

F E A R

(lots of ramblings ahead)

i am afraid to be a mom.

there, i said it. i don't know why, but those words are terrifying. i feel like i should be prepared in some weird way even though i have never mothered a child. i constantly think about how i will fail asher, about the wrong decisions i will make, about how that will affect him. i also think about silly things like when my hair will be as long as my sister's or if i'll ever have red hair again (i don't know why those thoughts i chose are about hair). but i have some legitimate fears. will i meet his every need? will i give him enough baths? what if i don't feed him enough? what if breastfeeding doesn't work out? can i do it?

i think that last question

can i do it?

those words resound in my head constantly. i think about this pregnancy, the joys that have come with it, along with the sorrows and sickness and complete hell, and while i have been "doing" it, will i be able to mother?

will i be able to

comfort
care
sacrifice
love
protect

the way my baby boy will need me to?

i've always seen myself as a nurturing person. i have 3 younger siblings, all whom i love dearly, have had numerous babysitting gigs, heck i nannied for almost three years. but it still leaves me wondering

can i do it?

can i be all this boy needs me to be?

and i don't think i can. actually, i know i can't. i'm human. i'm selfish. sure, i know that i will do all i can to put ash before my every need, my every want, and i will want that with every fiber of my being.

but i can't do it. sure, i can make sure he is fed and changed and loved as best as i know how.

but i can't insure that he will get all that he needs. because he needs more than i can provide. he needs to know the complete and encompassing love of Jesus. he needs to know how his Savior was beaten and bloodied and murdered for his life, his spiritual one. i know that aaron and i will do all we can to educate all of our children about this grace and mercy that is like no other, but that's where it stops for us. can we do more than pray and teach and exhort and love? can we guarantee that asher will love Jesus with his whole being?

no. we can't.

and maybe that's what i'm most scared of. that his relationship with Jesus will reflect on me, on my failings and shortcomings. and while i know that Jesus is in control, i want to know.

i want to know asher's life. i want to know what's in store. that's just who i am. i am the nosiest person i know. for real.

i don't like surprises. i want to know if asher will love his King. will he sacrifice for Him? will he give all that he has to follow Him? i want to know the answers to all of these questions and so many more.

but the beauty of this life is

i won't.

i won't know for a very long time. but ultimately Jesus will know. and this is where i have a lot of growing to do.

i need to trust. i think of how exemplified this is in my life.

i was talking to aaron about labor and i literally asked "do you think i'll know when i'm in labor?"

i know how ridiculous that is, but really, i wonder, will i? i've never done this before. sure, i've read so many articles, took the prenatal classes, talked to my doctor. i've prepared myself as best as i know how. but it just goes back to my trust. i don't trust myself i guess, or the process, or that this will all be okay. i like to be prepared. for the good. and the bad.

i guess this whole motherhood thing is going to test my trust issues, isn't it?

L O S S

today is a hard day. today is a day where I feel steeped in brokenness and loss. I feel defeated and run down. I am couch ridden due to morning sickness...again. which means I'm missing church...again. and I just feel all sorts of down when I miss church. 

and today, I'm really thinking about the baby we lost. I'm thinking about how our baby boy had a friend in there, in me, and then one day that friend was gone. and while I know it was ultimately God's plan, I can't help but think who he or she would've been. what would they have accomplished? how tall would they have been? would they have been a picky eater like me or a musician like their daddy?

and then today Facebook reminded me 4 years ago my friend Amanda wrote on my wall that she missed me. and that friend is gone and has been for over two years. yet I still ache from losing her. even though we weren't as close at the end of her life, she was somebody who always made you feel like the only person who mattered. 

so today is a day where I'm just feeling a lot of sad things. and in the midst of these sad things, I'm grateful that God is my completeness in my brokenness. 

P R E G N A N C Y

this post is not meant to seem as though i hate being pregnant or am ungrateful for what a gift this child is to me. it is not meant to diminish the difficulty of pregnancy (or of getting pregnant) or to diminish the feelings of those who struggle with infertility. every day i feel this life inside of me i am immeasurably blessed by what a privilege it is to be a mother. this is more so a word dump of all that i've been contemplating and feeling.

that being said, i'm just going to come right out and say it: 

pregnancy sucks. 

don't get me wrong, the longer hair and nails and clear skin have most definitely been perks throughout this process. but they don't exactly make the constant nausea, heartburn, vomiting and back pain worth it. what does make this worth it is the little baby bear i will have in my arms in just 9 weeks.

this pregnancy has been way harder than i could have ever imagined. i never thought i would be one of those women who was sick pretty much their entire pregnancy. i thought i would have the typical "throw up for a few weeks" sickness and then i would be all good. 

wrong.

when i hit the 20 week mark back in july, i really was feeling good. 20 weeks seemed to be the magic number for me, and i thought with full certainty that the worst was over. that lasted for about 6 weeks. then, like clockwork, as soon as 26 weeks hit: BOOM. the bathroom was my best friend once again. i can only be grateful that it was a bit milder than my first bout of sickness, as in i could actually keep some water down. but for the past month, i have been struggling. i would have never imagined how emotionally tolling a physical illness is. which is silly, because duh...why wouldn't it be? i have been so blessed to have never struggled with my physical health. aside from the occasional cold or flu, i have been healthy as a horse. i have seen my step-dad struggle with his bout of cancer and the subsequent illnesses that have followed, but to be honest, he is such a rockstar. i rarely hear him complain or bring attention to the pain he constantly battles. and while i'm sure he has his off days, i typically see his big smile and loving demeanor in place of the weariness he must feel.

y'all, i am the opposite. maybe to the outside world everything seems okay. but in reality, i'm not okay. i have never ever not felt like myself more than in this process. i feel like a host to something, that what i'm experiencing is outside of myself, and not in a cool good way. i haven't felt like myself since april, and let me tell you, i hate it. i hate that feeling of feeling out of control, that no matter what you do you can't seem to be who you were. and maybe this is the new me. maybe God is preparing my heart and mind and body for motherhood, and this is what happens. but to be honest, i liked myself. i liked how God had made me and my body. i liked the characteristics he had blessed me with. and to be honest, i probably am just being hormonal and dramatic about this, but for real, i'm scared. i don't want to lose my identity in motherhood. while i know motherhood will greatly grow me and shape me and make me better, i want to be me. and i don't remember what that really feels like. all i remember from the past 7 months are the days spent in bed or on the couch or over the toilet. i haven't done much with my life this past year. and i know growing a baby is hard work. but i never expected that it would come with losing myself.

so i've tried to take this past week since i quit my job (yep, it got that bad) to figure out what God is trying to show me in this loneliness and fear. i know He has great plans for my life. i know that He loves me. i just am not quite sure what this all means. is He trying to get me to focus on Him and Him alone? probably. is He wanting to be my shelter in this storm? definitely. and i think i've gotten away from that. i think that in the midst of this pregnancy, i have forgotten the grace and mercy and refuge He offers every one of us. in the midst of vomiting everything and feeling like nothing, He has been there. and i've missed Him. i've missed the chances for sweet fellowship with my Creator. and i don't know exactly how to get back there. i know with prayer and diligence, He is faithful. heck, He is faithful even when i am faithless. i know that my full identity is in Christ, and i hope to be more like Him. even if it means losing myself. i'm sure after asher comes that i will regain who i was. it's just hard to imagine that when you don't really remember who you were.

on a happy note, we went to california earlier this month for some baby showers and maternity pictures. we are incredibly blessed by friends and family that love us. and let me tell you, this little boy of ours is already so spoiled!

all photos (with the exception of the first one) taken by justine ellise photography.

B A B Y L O V E

i know it has been a while since i've written, but i have a good reason, i promise! (well hopefully you think growing a baby is a good reason).

yep.

we're pregnant!

we found out on march 22nd and hugged and cried in our bathroom and it was magical and wonderful. our little one is expected to arrive november 25, 2015 (the day before thanksgiving).

while we are thrilled, can i just be real with y'all? pregnancy sucks. at least the first trimester did. i was constantly nauseous, throwing up, no energy. this is not a good recipe if you wish to live a normal life (or have a clean house). aaron has been a rock star husband. he's taken on all the cooking and cleaning while i just lay around like a bum. he is seriously the best and i don't know what i would do without him.

but maybe i should delve in a little deeper. on wednesday, april 15th, we found out we were once expecting twins. yes, there were once two little live babies inside my womb. but that same day we found out that only one was viable; i had lost the other one. i have never experienced such intense emotions as i did that day. while i was overwhelmed with happiness that we were pregnant, i felt this immense sadness, like something i had never felt before. how could i love something so much as i did that little baby without ever meeting it? how could i feel such loss over someone i didn't know was there? i can't explain it, but i was heartbroken. i felt this cloud of emotions and the tears just poured down my face. i really don't think i've ever felt so divided and so many emotions at once. i have since healed from the loss, but will always wonder who that little baby was. i am however incredibly thankful for this baby who did survive.

this week was a fun one for a couple of reasons: 1. i hit the halfway point! 20 weeks down and 20 to go...and can i tell you i hope and pray that the next 20 are far easier than the last? thankfully, i have been feeling much better these past couple weeks that i've been able to marvel at this miracle of a baby. this little one has been quite the squirmer, and there is really no more magical feeling than knowing there is life inside. and 2. we found out baby is a...

B O Y!!!

 we couldn't be happier (or more surprised!) pretty much everyone in our lives thought it was a little girl (except you, dad) so we were quite shocked when we saw the ultrasound! baby boy is healthy and happy and we got to see so much of him, including his little femur bones and spine! the creation of life is such a miracle and i cannot thank God enough for choosing me to mother this sweet boy. and now for the big name reveal...

A S H E R   M I C H A E L   V I L L A R R E A L

when we started researching names for little boys, we had no idea where to start. there some names we kind of liked, but nothing really stood out. until we came upon asher. asher is a biblical name meaning "happy" or "happiness". asher was jacob's 8th son who was promised a life blessed with abundance, and this is what we want for our little asher. we hope that not only is he blessed abundantly with all the material things he could ever need, but to be blessed with god's overflowing grace, joy, love and mercy. we pray that our little guy will have a character worthy of his name, and will live his life as a blessing to others and that joy and happiness would radiate from him.

we are seriously so excited for little ash to make his arrival! now most of our days will be done registering and nursery decorating and birth plan researching. and i wouldn't have it any other way!

O N E Y E A R

one year ago, my life changed. i left everything i've ever known, with my man and my pup, and we ventured on this crazy adventure. colorado, you've changed me. i have never been as immersed in beauty as i am living here. i am grateful for everything i've learned in moving here. coming to colorado really solidified adulthood for me. i am in awe of the work God continues to do in my heart, in my marriage, and in the city of denver. i can't wait to see what's in store for this coming year.

T W O Y E A R S

two years ago, i said "i do". i said "i do" to laughter, snuggles, arguments, tears, striving, joy, victories, failures, dates, and a forever valentine. these past two years have been more than i could have ever hoped. they have not been perfect, but they have been radical. we have moved 5 times, added two new family members, bought a car, gotten jobs, transferred jobs, learned to drive in the snow, battled depression, shared great highs (and lows), and so much more. there is no one else on this earth than could have been better for me. i know what true love is like because you have loved me as Christ does. you respect me, honor me, cherish me, and lavish me with unconditional love. i have never known anybody like you, and i guarantee i will never meet anybody like you. i have definitely not been the wife i should be; i have failed more times than i can count. but it is on days like today that i am reminded of God's gracious and humble love towards me, and you are the perfect example of that. happy two years; i can't wait to make a million more memories with you.