M A M A H O O D

wow, can i just say what a whirlwind these past 16 days have been. being a mother is everything I've wanted and hoped for. it's also come with so many tears and trials. as I sit here, ash has been asleep for 3 minutes (on me, of course). he only sleeps on me. at night. during the day. all. the. time. i soak up the snuggles and love, but also think about all that I have to do. we're flying to California tomorrow night for 11 days, so I have to pack everything. and yes, we're crazy for traveling with a 2.5 week old baby during the holidays. it's hard not being able to do what I've always done.

also. there's the thing that Aaron is back at work today. after two weeks, it's just me and ash. and I've cried a lot. so has he (Asher). we're on the same page. this is hard. we're learning how things should be, what our new normal is. right now, our normal is nursing 24/7 and sleeping very little. it's screaming during outfit changes but staring with wonder at his mobile during diaper changes (for mama at least). it's watching lots of park & rec and playing gridblock. it's drinking sweet tea and leaking through at least two shirts a day. it's lots of kisses and learning to see the world through my bear's deep blue eyes. 

I'm comforted by this article I read today: 

http://nurshable.com/2012/05/04/i-am-not-a-human-pacifier/

an excerpt is below:

I am not a “human pacifier”. I am what you have a biological and evolutionary need for. I will not devalue your needs by implying that you lack the wisdom and understanding of what those needs are. I will not devalue your needs by becoming frustrated by your refusal to accept something that does not meet those needs. I want you to listen to your body from the beginning, to understand the difference between a healthy need of yours and a pacifying object. To have an understanding that dates back to the beginnings of your time on this planet.. That comfort comes from having your needs met, not from distracting yourself with something pink, pretty and plastic.

No manufacturer makes what you need for happiness, little one. I want you to understand this from the beginning of your life. Happiness comes from love, from closeness, and from deep inside of you. Seek this happiness, and never be distracted by things that simply pacify you rather than satisfying your needs.

this was exactly what I needed to read today. I needed to be clothed in this truth (along with all the breast milk and spit up in the world). I needed this grace and knowledge that what I'm doing by feeding, nurturing and comforting my son is more important than packing or cleaning or taking care of business. I'm a mother. this is my new normal. 

D E C E M B E R B A B Y

our baby boy is here and i really can't believe it! I wish I would've written this sooner, but taking care of my little bear is really a full time job (duh haha).

asher michael villarreal was born on saturday, december 5th at 4:25 in the early morning. let me just say, my labor and delivery was nothing I could've ever imagined. 

my due date came and went, and we were nearing 41 weeks. I wasn't as miserable as I thought I would be, but gosh darn it I just wanted my little man outta there! I tried everything I felt comfortable with up until then to induce on my own: eating pineapple, walking insane amounts, bouncing on a yoga ball, evening primrose oil up there to ripen my cervix, as much sex as my body could bear...but nothing was working. at my 41 week appointment, the doc said my cervix was a tight 1 cm and 75% effaced. we decided enough was enough and decided to go ahead and induce. we really wanted to do everything all natural, from beginning to end, but that just wasn't in the cards for us. 

it started Thursday night, December 3rd. I went in around 8 pm to start my induction. we filled out the necessary paperwork and met our nurse and doctors. after getting situated, a pill called misopril was inserted to soften my cervix and help me to dilate. that was around 10 pm. the nurse said around 2 am I would be checked to see what progress I was making. I slept on and off during those 4 hours and apparently I was contracting like crazy, but I wasn't in much pain. since I was having so many contractions, I was hoping I made some progress. I was checked again, and dilated barely a half centimeter more. so another misopril was inserted, and we waited. 

around 4 am, I started contracting really badly. like I couldn't talk, couldn't walk, couldn't think through them. I worked through them and eventually got into the bath with Aaron. I labored in there with some jets for about half an hour, but it wasn't as relaxing as I thought it would be. I was checked again, and was dilated the same. I seriously couldn't believe it. I was so discouraged. I felt like mentally I was doing all this work and making progress and my body wasn't keeping up. I finally asked for some pain medication a few hours later since I was confined to my bed for monitoring and I was so uncomfortable. 

the next step in this saga was to get a cervical ripening balloon inserted and start pitocin. yes, it is as bad as it sounds. it was horrifying. I didn't even know it was going to happen when it did, and Aaron happened to be at lunch with his mom. they checked me yet again (which was almost worse than my contractions since my cervix was so far back) and went ahead and inserted the balloon. 

you guys, I screamed. I started freaking out and hysterically crying. I screamed that I couldn't do this and that I wanted to stop. 

then, my mom passed out. 

yep. my poor mom. she was the only one in the room and was holding my hand while they were putting a balloon in my vagina. she said, "I'm going to pass out" and she kept her promise. luckily a nurse caught her and she didn't hurt herself. 

while all this chaos was going on, Aaron and his mom walk in and my mother in law starts crying. Aaron said he felt like he was walking into a war zone.

and then, something awesome happened. my dad walked in the room! he had been in Colorado the week before my due date, so I was bummed he wouldn't be there to meet his grandson. but then he was! it was an absolute shock. I was so stoked! it made this process so much more special. 

after a couple hours of more laboring (in bed, which was the worst), I asked for an epidural. initially, I was disappointed. I really wanted to do this all natural. but there was no way I could continue. I would've passed out and never had this baby haha. so get this, I get an epidural, and it doesn't work. 

it

doesn't 

work. 

how is that even possible?! the anesthesiologist didn't know what happened, so she had to redo it. and since you're wondering, of course I wanted another needle inserted in my spine while contracting--one just wasn't enough. 

so the epidural worked and y'all that was good. I was able to get some rest while the balloon and pitocin did their business. around 7 pm, the nurses changed shifts and our favorite nurse Katie checked my balloon. she said it would pull right out when I was 4 cm dilated. and guess what?!

it did!!! 

lord have mercy, i was finally making some process! from there, things progressed fairly quickly (I guess...it seemed like it took forever). around 10 pm, I was at 6 cm, fully effaced and at the 0 station. we made it to transition, and I slept on and off until a little after midnight when I was checked again and was 10 cm. at 1:44 am, it was time to push. 

when I started to push, I was extremely frustrated because I couldn't feel where I was pushing (curse of the epidural). the nurse had the epidural dose turned down, and then we started making progress. in the beginning, I was screaming that I couldn't do it. I was dry heaving and throwing up (which I didn't know was a thing that would happen) I cried to my nurse and Aaron. they were such a great encouragement to me that about halfway through, I felt like superwoman. I was pushing like a champion and making progress. then, he crowned. I felt his head and freaked out in a good way. there was a human making its way to this world through me. by God's grace, we made it. we were almost there. 

at 4:25 am, my baby was born. the love of my life was here. our parents were standing outside the room and my dad says I yelled "it's a baby! it's my baby!"

after 30 hours of labor, my little man was in my arms. we had an awesome golden hour with lots of skin to skin. but our trial didn't end there. 

the nurse noticed Asher trembling, and tested his blood glucose level. it was 23; normal is 40. we were transferred to recovery where we gave him some donor milk to hopefully boost his sugars. he was tested again, and it dropped to 21. my heart was broken. the only solution was the transfer him to the NICU to put him on an IV of dextrose. we walked over with him, and the doctor explained their plan. they would start him on 10 cc of dextrose an hour, then test his sugars every 4 hours before a feeding. they wanted to see his sugars above 50 consistently before releasing him back into our care. 

I have never cried so much in my life. I had just labored for 30 hours to bring my little love into this world, and now I couldn't be with him? I was crushed. we left the NICU to shower and get some rest. the doctor came to tell us that ash needed to be put on oxygen since his pulse ox stats were below 90. she made it seem like it wasn't a big deal since Colorado born babies tend to have this issue because of the elevation, but I lost it. to see my baby with an IV and cannula was heart breaking. we spent most of our time in the NICU while Asher slept, and we tried to nurse and had lots of skin to skin. we had some really awesome nurses who encouraged us. finally, on Monday morning at 2 am, he was transferred back to us. my heart was so light seeing my baby boy sleeping next to my bed. we came home that Monday and life has been wonderful and sleepy and cuddly since then. 

this boy has my heart for my whole life. looking back at this year, God has taught me so much. I feel like my labor verse sums up so much of what God was trying to teach and instill in me: "You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you." Isaiah 26:3. and God did just that. now, back to cuddling this baby bear of mine.