ONE WEEK

it's been one week since we've lived in the denver area and i couldn't be happier! my mom has been here since last friday and has been a huge help in getting our apartment all cozied up (seriously, what would we do without moms?) last night we took our christmas pictures, and you know what? i seriously never realized how much my pets are like 6 month old babies. seriously. so hard to control, and we got ZERO pictures of them looking at the camera. we got a lot of pictures with me looking frustrated (i need to lighten up, fo' real) but we did get some that are usable. so we're stoked!

oh, and another thing?! i got a new job! God is seriously so good! i had applied for this job about a month before we were going to move and hadn't heard back from it for about two weeks, so naturally, i forgot about it. one day, i received an email to fill out an application and set up a skype interview. after that, i interviewed in person last friday. and yesterday, i got the good news call! i am seriously so stoked. i will be a waiting child specialist with an adoption agency specializing in adoptions from China and i will be working specifically with the special needs population. oh, and get this: it's a full time, salaried position. i never ever thought i would get a salaried position, with benefits and everything! i feel like a big girl haha!

our little family is starting to adjust to life out here in denver and we are really enjoying ourselves. i've have definitely had some anxiety-provoking moments, and i want to take a minute to just talk about how insane my mind is. so, i got this job. of course i should be thrilled and ecstatic and looking forward to it. right? well, i definitely was, but then my psycho brain starts thinking, "well, don't you want to start a family soon? like end of this year soon? what will you do when it's time to have a baby? will you quit your job? or get a nanny? or put your child in daycare? (to which i thought HECK NO)" and "what will you boss think if you don't stay long term there? you'll let them down. don't you want a career?" and on and on. seriously, i'm crazy. and then my husband (bless his heart) says to me, "when it's the right time to grow our family, we'll both be ready. it's okay if you want to enjoy this for now. focus on the now." and just like that, my fear and anxiety and guilt vanished. it's amazing how God can use our weakest moments to speak to great truths to us.

i have also had a lot of past stuff come up this week, things that i need to work through and move past and forgive. it'll be hard work (i've already cried 23834092834 tears), but i know God is doing something awesome. i can't wait to see what this next season holds.

IT'S HERE

as i sit here on the eve of another big adventure, i can't help but look back on this season of life. this has been a crazy, hard, anxiety-filled, beautiful season. i've battled anxiety, gotten a new family member, gained a job and left a job, and grown a lot as a wife and as an individual. i've found purpose in my life and have been lost in the waves of God's grace. but there is no denying that this was a desert season for me. i found myself depressed and dry, with no desire to grow or live. i found myself just purely existing. praise God that I serve the King of Kings who always has open arms for me. He has taught me so much about grace, and specifically that grace for myself, the ocean of overwhelming grace that He has for us.

i was feeling so good about this move. just really on top of things ya know? then, we realize finances are tighter than we expected, we got a call that we couldn't move into the apartment we had originally selected until saturday, and our reservation for our moving truck had been voided unexpectedly. but what's awesome is that there is a God on our side, who loves us and cares for us deeply. so we ended up with some extra finances that were unexpected, we got another apartment in the same complex that is bigger, has a nicer view and is the same price, and the rental place had the correct size truck and threw in some furniture pads for free. so basically, God just blows my mind all. the. dang. time.

i'm looking forward to what this next season has in store. i have a second job interview on friday with an adoption agency and we're moving into an awesome complex. we have huge hopes in finding community in a church family, and we're excited to continue growing in our marriage. we want to start a family soon, and we're trusting God for all things surrounding that. there is much hope and promise in this new season, and i know He is in control. i am so grateful to have aaron by my side. i am truly blessed with one of the best.

DEAR ANXIETY

i wrote this post 2 months ago and never posted it. i made the decision 1 month ago to not allow anxiety to rule over me. this is a personal post, and sharing it provides so much relief and freedom.

dear soul sucking, heart racing, mood killing, unwelcome anxiety,

i don't know how you manage to show up as i'm watching anastasia with aaron or while researching a tattoo, but you're there; you seem to pop in at the most inconvenient times. how about that time at work when i had to go outside because i felt like you were squeezing my heart until it was about to burst? or that time i was driving to the pharmacy and i started to hyperventilate?

and what about all the times you remind me how out of control i really am? like how i can't plan the next year of my life because nothing is really sure in this life? oh, and how often you make me doubt the God i serve and love with my whole heart; how His plan for me isn't thought out and that everything that happens is by chance? that where i want to be and what i want to do are so out of reach?

but guess what? while you used to rule my life, my choices, my emotions; while you used to make me binge eat until i almost threw up; while you used to make me cry and destroy my body; you don't have that control anymore. thanks to a therapist and medication, you no longer have power over me. you aren't me anymore, and while you'll always be a part of me, you will never consume me like you once did.

i'm breaking up with you, anxiety. i'm ready to have my soul back.