TOO LONG

okay y'all, it has been TOO LONG. it's okay, call me a slacker. i totally agree. i have to say, life has been going way too fast since we've moved. it's been good and hard and has involved a ton of driving (my work commute totals 2-2.5 hours a day), but God is good and we are blessed.

reading//blogs and lots of childrens files at the moment. unfortunately, i have not started a new book since we moved. that needs to change. i love to read, so i will definitely be reporting back!

eating//i'm loving sweetango apples right now. holy moly! so juicy and good! also, ice cream. always ice cream.

watching//rehab addict, law & order svu, grey's. since i've blasted through chopped, cutthroat kitchen and pioneer woman on netflix, aaron and i have been obsessed with rehab addict (i swear i have a job and don't just sit around watching tv)

listening//jon foreman pandora. i have to say, beyonce pandora was the front runner for a good while, and while queen b is still fab, i've been craving some earthy surfer sounds with a spiritual focus. such a good station. i adore it!

hoping//for direction. aaron and i constantly go back and forth on trying for a baby. it's either i need to lose weight or i need to stay at my job or blah blah blah (all me problems). i know that when it happens it will be the right time. doesn't stop me from planning a design plan for a nursery ;)

pondering//where we are supposed to be. i often think of where we will buy a house and where we will raise a family. is it denver? is it southern california? somewhere else? i tend to get a lot of anxiety whenever i allow these thoughts to take root, so i (most of the time) push them aside. i have to trust that God will guide us.

ONE WEEK

it's been one week since we've lived in the denver area and i couldn't be happier! my mom has been here since last friday and has been a huge help in getting our apartment all cozied up (seriously, what would we do without moms?) last night we took our christmas pictures, and you know what? i seriously never realized how much my pets are like 6 month old babies. seriously. so hard to control, and we got ZERO pictures of them looking at the camera. we got a lot of pictures with me looking frustrated (i need to lighten up, fo' real) but we did get some that are usable. so we're stoked!

oh, and another thing?! i got a new job! God is seriously so good! i had applied for this job about a month before we were going to move and hadn't heard back from it for about two weeks, so naturally, i forgot about it. one day, i received an email to fill out an application and set up a skype interview. after that, i interviewed in person last friday. and yesterday, i got the good news call! i am seriously so stoked. i will be a waiting child specialist with an adoption agency specializing in adoptions from China and i will be working specifically with the special needs population. oh, and get this: it's a full time, salaried position. i never ever thought i would get a salaried position, with benefits and everything! i feel like a big girl haha!

our little family is starting to adjust to life out here in denver and we are really enjoying ourselves. i've have definitely had some anxiety-provoking moments, and i want to take a minute to just talk about how insane my mind is. so, i got this job. of course i should be thrilled and ecstatic and looking forward to it. right? well, i definitely was, but then my psycho brain starts thinking, "well, don't you want to start a family soon? like end of this year soon? what will you do when it's time to have a baby? will you quit your job? or get a nanny? or put your child in daycare? (to which i thought HECK NO)" and "what will you boss think if you don't stay long term there? you'll let them down. don't you want a career?" and on and on. seriously, i'm crazy. and then my husband (bless his heart) says to me, "when it's the right time to grow our family, we'll both be ready. it's okay if you want to enjoy this for now. focus on the now." and just like that, my fear and anxiety and guilt vanished. it's amazing how God can use our weakest moments to speak to great truths to us.

i have also had a lot of past stuff come up this week, things that i need to work through and move past and forgive. it'll be hard work (i've already cried 23834092834 tears), but i know God is doing something awesome. i can't wait to see what this next season holds.

IT'S HERE

as i sit here on the eve of another big adventure, i can't help but look back on this season of life. this has been a crazy, hard, anxiety-filled, beautiful season. i've battled anxiety, gotten a new family member, gained a job and left a job, and grown a lot as a wife and as an individual. i've found purpose in my life and have been lost in the waves of God's grace. but there is no denying that this was a desert season for me. i found myself depressed and dry, with no desire to grow or live. i found myself just purely existing. praise God that I serve the King of Kings who always has open arms for me. He has taught me so much about grace, and specifically that grace for myself, the ocean of overwhelming grace that He has for us.

i was feeling so good about this move. just really on top of things ya know? then, we realize finances are tighter than we expected, we got a call that we couldn't move into the apartment we had originally selected until saturday, and our reservation for our moving truck had been voided unexpectedly. but what's awesome is that there is a God on our side, who loves us and cares for us deeply. so we ended up with some extra finances that were unexpected, we got another apartment in the same complex that is bigger, has a nicer view and is the same price, and the rental place had the correct size truck and threw in some furniture pads for free. so basically, God just blows my mind all. the. dang. time.

i'm looking forward to what this next season has in store. i have a second job interview on friday with an adoption agency and we're moving into an awesome complex. we have huge hopes in finding community in a church family, and we're excited to continue growing in our marriage. we want to start a family soon, and we're trusting God for all things surrounding that. there is much hope and promise in this new season, and i know He is in control. i am so grateful to have aaron by my side. i am truly blessed with one of the best.

DEAR ANXIETY

i wrote this post 2 months ago and never posted it. i made the decision 1 month ago to not allow anxiety to rule over me. this is a personal post, and sharing it provides so much relief and freedom.

dear soul sucking, heart racing, mood killing, unwelcome anxiety,

i don't know how you manage to show up as i'm watching anastasia with aaron or while researching a tattoo, but you're there; you seem to pop in at the most inconvenient times. how about that time at work when i had to go outside because i felt like you were squeezing my heart until it was about to burst? or that time i was driving to the pharmacy and i started to hyperventilate?

and what about all the times you remind me how out of control i really am? like how i can't plan the next year of my life because nothing is really sure in this life? oh, and how often you make me doubt the God i serve and love with my whole heart; how His plan for me isn't thought out and that everything that happens is by chance? that where i want to be and what i want to do are so out of reach?

but guess what? while you used to rule my life, my choices, my emotions; while you used to make me binge eat until i almost threw up; while you used to make me cry and destroy my body; you don't have that control anymore. thanks to a therapist and medication, you no longer have power over me. you aren't me anymore, and while you'll always be a part of me, you will never consume me like you once did.

i'm breaking up with you, anxiety. i'm ready to have my soul back.

OCTOBER

can i just tell y'all how much i love fall? it's been rainy and chilly and gray here, and there is really no better time of year. october is bringing some big changes in our lives, and i am excited and ready to take on this new month with passion and fervor. oh, and that gorgeous flower up above? yeah, my babe grew that. here are a few goals i'm focusing on:

1//continue downsizing. we've been selling and getting rid of things left and right because we are moving from a 3 bedroom 1600 sq. ft. house to a 2 bedroom 1100 sq ft. apartment. i have found such beauty in decluttering and downsizing. stuff is suffocating, and after this move i plan to work on creating capsule wardrobes (read more about that here).

2//stick to weight watchers. hate to make excuses, but when my life is chaotic, my eating is chaotic. i have a really full belly right now, and i don't like it. i feel gross and all around terrible about myself. i've joined a dietbet game this month, so i now have some skin in the game if ya know what i mean. i need to lose at least 4% of my body weight to make my bet back and then some. i'm excited for a new challenge and am starting off my day with yoga tomorrow.

3//find community. one big thing aaron and i are looking forward to is making friends. while we had some here in junction, and we had a church we were attending, we just never felt connected. we are looking forward to getting plugged in and actually living our lives, rather than just exisiting.

4//save money. so let me just say that moving twice in a year is not a good habit to keep up unless your daddy warbucks (ps just typed sassy instead of daddy). we're taking quite a financial hit with this move, and since i quit my job, we only have one income right now. my shop is on vacation while we move, so aaron's the bread winner this month (and every month...who am i kidding?) but one awesome thing is that we serve a providing God and a Father who is there every step of the way.

CHANGES...AGAIN

so it seems in this little family we love change. we love the new. so wouldn't it make sense that we move...again? that's right, we are moving to DENVER! aaron has accepted a job offer over there (within the same company). there are so many pros to this move: closer to people (yuuuus), closer to an international airport, more culture, city living, more to do...i could go on and on! but there is one major con: MONEY. sheesh, life is expensive, especially in a metropolitan city! but can i just tell you how good God is? he's provided in ways we would have never expected. aaron and i decided to rent an apartment for a couple of reasons: the perks of living in a good complex are amazing (like valet trash...yes, it's a thing) and we have too much stuff. we seriously had a guest room that was used three times. so, we decided to downsize. it's interesting, that downsizing bug. it makes you evaluate what's important and it truly reveals our materialistic hearts. but we've decided to do it and we're running with it! i've probably posted 20something ads on craigslist, and we're not done yet. and get this...we've sold all our guest room furniture in 1 day. i am seriously in awe of how good God is.

aaron and i had some really good conversation tonight at dinner. we talked about this past season of our life, how God has shaped us, what He's taught us and how we've been molded into this people we are today. we've learned so much about impulse control, thoughtfulness, depression, anxiety, joy in all circumstances, faith, and provision. i am so unbelievably blessed to do life with my man by my side. i can't wait to see what this next season in another city brings.

MANIFESTO: PT 1 + 2

i've recently started a manifesto. seems weird, someone who has gone through some of the most important milestones one can go through is now starting to define how she wants to live her life. but here i am.

i'm going through katie den ouden's skinny dip society. she has us writing our own manifestos, to help us to live wild.free.alive. find out more about this here.

_______________________________________________________

DAY 1

the last time i felt wild.free.alive was when i was with my husband up on the grand mesa in grand junction, colorado. i remember waking up that morning, feeling ready to do something new that day. i had been wrestling with anxiety for the past few months, and going somewhere we had never been sounded incredible. i remember driving up the winding mountain with the windows down, smelling the sweet smell of mountain air and pine trees. as we rounded a corner, i saw the most beautiful view i have ever seen. i think my favorite place is where water meets the forest. there is nothing more breathtaking in the world. i still remember how i felt, how i never wanted to leave that place, how i wished i could stay forever among the flower fields and pine trees, swim in the cool lake water, and forever feel wild.free.alive.

parts of my day that make me think "I love my life": when my husband will text me an emoji heart, even if he's sitting right next to me. when i wake up and feel my pup charlie cuddling me. when my cat bandit falls asleep on my shoulder. when i hear from a friend out of the blue. i guess moments that remind me i matter in this world are what make me feel alive and loved.

________________________________________________________

DAY 2

if i wasn't bound by rules or restrictions, i would wear sundresses everyday, have tattoos up the wazoo, dance to music while i cook or bake, burn candles at all times of the day, wear no makeup, not have a cell phone, spend every waking moment by the water, live fully and carefree without the worries of the world weighing me down.

my ideal daily celebration would include candles, lots and lots of flowers, and friends. there would be laughter and love, and everyone wouldn't have a care in the world. all worries about work, bills, family, the world would melt away. there would be good, wholesome food, string lights and a starry night. we would celebrate each other, with only kindness in our hearts and on our lips. all comparison and judgment would be gone, and we would be able to be free and wild and alive.

LET'S KEEP IT REAL

the reality of life has truly set in. life is busy, crazy, beautiful, overwhelming, disappointing, awesome. we all go through these different seasons, different emotions, the ups and downs of this journey. so i'm going to come out with it: life sucks right now. i'm tired, stressed, anxious. i've really been struggling with controlling my emotions and feelings. i've been having at least one anxiety attack a day since i started my new job, which seriously sets everything off. but i read this amazing encouragement today, and it just put everything into perspective. typically, i'm an impulsive, passionate person. i see something i want, and i don't give it a second thought; i'll usually just go for it. i like that part about myself. it makes life fun, and keeps it interesting. but being impulsive and passionate (and fickle) makes life confusing sometimes. i find myself overcommitted and overwhelmed. and in that very same place, my soul is underwhelmed. i have no time for God to move and to work and to mold. i don't take the time to just sit. so today, aaron and i have just sat. and we've laughed. and argued. and cried (well, i've cried). and loved. and we've just been able to be. and in that, we've talked about our future, what we want, where we see ourselves. now, one thing you may not know is that i'm a planner. i crave consistency and boundaries and set schedules. i like to know what to expect and what's expected. and because of this, i've battled a lot of giants in this life. i've dealt with the anxiety of not knowing what's to come, what's about to happen, where i'll be living in 6 months, and on and on and on. i've been restricted from letting God work and the freedom that comes with flexibility. so, today, i took a leap. aaron and i discussed our futures and the flexibility and unexpectedness that life brings. and we talked about how we're open to that, and how we'll pray about that, and how we welcome that. and trust, i've got some butterflies and heart palpitations knowing that i'm not "in control" (which is silly because there are a lot of things i can't control). but i'm working on being free and flexible, and i'm letting God lead where we're going.

HAPPENINGS

it has certainly been a while since i was last on here. and man oh man has a lot changed! first off, to explain my absence, i got a full time job! i am working at a large childcare center as the office manager and assistant director in training! this job came out of nowhere and it has been an extreme blessing. i now feel like i have purpose! i do have to say i am not used to the extra stress and i have fallen off the healthy eating bandwagon...time to jump back on! second, we went to california fourth of july weekend for a friend's wedding and to visit family. third, we got have a new addition to our family: a kitten named bandit! we had no intention of adopting another pet, but when hubby says lets go look at the shelter cats at petco, you know that you won't just be "looking". he is 3 months old and is the sweetest little thing ever! i've always wanted a black cat and bandit is the perfect cat. and lastly, i started contributing to wonderfullymade.org! made wonderfully is a website that strives to encourage woman in the Lord (something i can definitely stand behind!) until next time (hopefully it won't be another month before I can jump on here!)

RECIPE: ENERGY BITES

two weeks ago, aaron and i got gym passes to start working out and to get healthy. most days during the week, we go to the gym at 6 am (yeah, i know, kill me) and so i need major energy early in the morning. i usually have a protein shake after my work out, but needed something to keep me full and give me some energy. enter in, energy bites! these are seriously so yummy and you really only need one or two to keep you full. plus, they're healthy which is a huge plus!


//ingredients
1 cup quick cooking oats
8 tbsp PB2
3 tbsp organic honey
1/2 cup mini chocolate chips
1 tbsp chia seeds
1 tsp vanilla extract

//directions
throw all ingredients into a mixing bowl, mix it all up and let it chill in the fridge for 30 min-1 hour. once chilled, roll into balls and store in an airtight container either on the counter, in the fridge or in the freezer (mine go straight into the fridge)!

makes 18-20 balls // 2 points+ per ball

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY

happy father's day to all the men in my life who have helped to shape who i am, especially this man right here. my dad is down to earth, funny, and loving. i am so grateful that we are in the midst of the best relationship we've ever had. 

READ BEFORE BINGING ON FAST FOOD AND SUGAR

skyler, this post is for you. i want you to remember this feeling. remember how your head throbs and your body feels like lead and your eyes are puffy and you're bloated. remember the chick-fil-a and fries and ben and jerry's peanut butter cup ice cream you ate last night? but gosh it's so so good...WELL THAT IS WHY YOU FEEL LIKE YOU'RE HUNGOVER. i know you just thought it was a cheat meal, but it is wreaking havoc on your body.

remember how good you feel when you eat fruit and wraps and salads and low fat dessert? remember how you feel like superwoman? I DO TOO AND I LIKE THAT. so stop eating crap! don't plan for it. you've come so far in learning what's good for your body and what fuels it. you've been working hard at being healthier. you've been to the gym 5 days this week. that's unheard of for you! but you love it. you love feeling stronger and seeing progress.

obviously, you're not perfect but you're striving. you're progressing. you're growing. i know how mad you would be if YOU were the one who hindered your own progress. so just think twice next time. walk away from the junk food and sugar, and it'll all be okay.

WAITING CAN BE SWEET

as i was texting a sweet friend today, i realized something: God has done a huuuuuuuuuuge work in my life (huuuuuuuuuuge reminds me of a story this same friend told me about our old pastor saying "huuuuuuuuuuge with multiple uuuuuu's!!!). my friend stephanie is getting ready to move to illinois with her husband so that they can attend school. stephanie and her husband sean are very close to aaron and i: they were in our wedding, were our neighbors at one point, and have shared in some of the most intimate times of ministry with us (steph and i went to india together and sean and aaron went to haiti). i've been thinking about them a lot since just three months ago we made the move to grand junction. i know how stressful and expensive and stresssful moving is, having done it so recently. i know how moving changes you, changes the way you respond, how you think, and especially how you feel. but that is only if you allow such a big change to dictate your life. 

our first month in gj, i battled major depression. i constantly cried, yearning and longing to be back in california. i constantly questioned whether we made the right decision and my joy and happiness was fully dependent on my circumstance. today, as i checked in with stephanie and she asked how things were going in colorado, something clicked.

i'm happy full of joy.

God is good.

He satisfies and is our contentment.

we are full and overflowing with the sweet taste of waiting.

while we long for the day we move back to southern california, to the sunny beaches and friends and family, we are treasuring this time in colorado. we are admiring the beauty of the mountains and the rarity of being away from everything. i'm in awe of the way He works and softens our hearts.

IT'S OFFICIAL

we're actual coloradans now. next on the list: driver's licenses!

JUNE GOALS

this picture has nothing to do with goals except that i was extremely happy, my hair was long and i was in san diego with my then boyfriend (now husband) ;)

>> workout 3+ times a week (hey, hey new gym membership!)
>> stick to WW program (even when we're in california)
>> finish my all sons & daughters devotional
>> cook dinner 4+ nights a week
>> try 2 new recipes (+ blog about them)
>> read 2 books (The Goldfinch and Made for More)
>> blog at least once a week
>> do something new!

CALIFORNIA LOVE

on monday, we got back from our 11 day vacation to california. i honestly have never had so much fun with my friends. we were out there to celebrate our friends' jessica and rick's wedding (which was gorgeous!!!). the first weekend we were there, i went to palm springs for the bachelorette party, and let me tell you, these girls know how to have fun! i have never laughed so hard, and it wasn't until this week that i fully regained my voice. the next week was visiting family, friends, and wedding festivities. while it was so great to be back in california, aaron and i truly treasured coming back to colorado. we still feel as though God will bring us back to southern california, but the quiet and stillness of being back home, somewhere that is ours, brought a contentment i haven't felt since moving here. there's only one place that could come from, and i am grateful that He holds my heart.

this morning, i read something from my all sons & daughters devotional that reinforced this contentment:

"we must reach for HIM as the cloak we wear, shielding ourselves from doubt or pessimism or fear or anxiety or wounding. we must receive HIM as the fuel that steadies our hands as we serve, strengthens our legs as we run, sharpens our minds as we speak, and satisfies our hearts till all things are made right.

i'll just let that sit right here.

HAPPY MAMA'S DAY

happy mama's day to this beauty. she constantly inspires me, loves on me and points me towards Jesus. i would not be who i am without her. she's my best friend and the best mom out there. xoxo mom.

LIFE IS TOUGH BUT SO ARE YOU

no source...pinterest strikes again :(

i titled this post "life is tough but so are you" after a little low card i saw on instagram yesterday. and boy, did this encouragement come at the right time. yesterday was a hard day. it seemed like every hour (or every minute rather) brought trials and disappointments. and while these trials and disappointments are petty and little compared to the actual hurts and challenges people are going through, they were very real to me. first, a printing order i received wasn't printed correctly. then, the boxes i ordered for my shop were the wrong size. the stickers i tried to make for my packaging were misaligned, and the new paint pen i bought for my wood slices splattered all over the place. oh, not to mention i got a voicemail from the company i interviewed with that i didn't get the job. that was the kicker. i started zoning out and crying (at the same time, i guess) just looking through instagram at all the beautiful talent i follow. thoughts of self-doubt and not being good enough crept into my head. "why can't i draw like her?" "oh my goodness that's so cute! wish i could do that." "oh man, i could never do that. i'm so not capable." and on and on and on. then i was like okay i have to rebrand this and that and spend thousands of dollars to sell like this person and that person. my comparisons against women i don't even know but admire were off the charts. like for real, i was going nuts. so, i ordered pizza and watched a movie with my man and pup and tried to forget it all.

typically, i'm the type of person that needs to sleep on things in order to get over them. have a fight with aaron, go to bed mad, wake up happy as a clam. it's just the way i function and work through things. so it was no surprise to wake up feeling great and clear headed. i'm still wondering why i didn't get the job, but know it's God's will that i didn't. there's a lot of things i was wondering about that i've suddenly had revelations about. why do i do custom invite orders and take on the task of printing them when i don't get the return for my work and i don't have the right resources? why don't i take a leap of faith and work with someone to get my brand stronger? well. today, i have the answers to those questions. praise God i didn't get the job because while the extra money would've been nice, my passion is creating and homemaking. i still get thoughts in my head like, "why did you waste four years of your life in school to study and train for a career you probably will never have? you were made for more." but what really was i made for? i ultimately was made to worship the Creator, to live in His presence, to honor and glorify Him with all that i am and all that my life is. and let me tell ya, i can definitely do that creating and homemaking. i can create items to donate for causes like adoption or helping a family that's lost a child. i can cook and clean and fill my home with flowers and candles so that my husband has a relaxing environment to come home to. i can strive and push myself to be better and do better with the talents God has given me.

but why do i continue to think i'm not doing enough?

i think a large part of this has to do with the world. with family, friends, peers, media. with the constant idea that to be a strong woman you must work hard and provide for your family. with the pressure that you're "wasting your life" if you don't have a 9-5 and make a living.

but can i tell you something?

this not having a "job" thing has helped to reinforce my priorities.

i'm all about kingdom work. you know, the work that uplifts and encourages and loves. the work that makes people feel good, but not for superficial reasons. kingdom work is work that draws others to the Savior of the world. if i have the opportunity to not have a "job", but to work for the kingdom, i'm sure going to take it.

so here's to being confident in God given abilities, to loving harder than i ever have, and to working with all that's within me.

CHANGES

as i write this, i am about an hour away from a job interview. when aaron and i got married, we decided that since i was finishing school and opening an etsy shop, and since aaron's salary more than provided a comfortable lifestyle for us, that i didn't need to have a job. after we got married, i quit my (almost) full time job, finished my degree, and opened my etsy shop. around september (about 6 months after i quit my job), i found myself bored to tears. i didn't know what to do with my time, and i felt so unproductive. that's probably because i spent my days lying on the couch, watching grey's anatomy (again) with my dog charlie, but that's besides the point. i saw that one of my favorite bloggers oh, hello friend was hiring shop girls at her fullerton location, so i decided to go for it. i got the job, and while i finally had something to do, it was (very) part time and we had made the decision to move to colorado just a few months later. once we made the move, aaron and i decided it would be best and healthy for me to find a job because 1) i've been battling sadness and missing california, 2) we could save mucho dinero, and 3) i need something to do! (don't get me wrong, i've loved locking myself in our office creating all day, but i need some interaction, people!)

so fast forward to last week, where i received an email for an interview with a company that i had applied with a month ago. it is for a buyer position at a local e-commerce company, and it's full time (eeek!). i don't have ANY buyer experience whatsoever, but i consider myself very teachable and capable. so we'll see where this goes! i've gone back and forth on whether or not i should accept the position (if it's offered) since 1) we don't NEED the money and 2) i've been incredibly busy with the shop (also, i really like numbering my points i guess!). but i decided, with aaron's help, that if i'm offered the job, i'm going to take it. i'm going to take it because i need a challenge, because God has gifted me with abilities and capabilities that i can employ and use at this new job, because i am made for more than just lying on the couch all day. i owe it to myself, who worked extremely hard in school, to my husband, who supports me NO. MATTER. WHAT (for real, he supported me when i was in my couch potato funk), and to my family who put me through school.

so here goes nothing! i'll update here after the interview today. oh, and butterflies are going crazy over here.

also, the picture above is from my birthday at the colorado national monument and has nothing to with this post whatsoever. but whatever. i love my husband and this picture describes us perfectly.

ARTIST LOVE

i have been finding inspiration everywhere i look. so it would be no surprise that oana befort is my new crush. she is extremely talented, specifically in watercolor and acrylic work. i love how artistic she is, yet there is so much innocence and whimsy in her work. here's some of my favorite pieces she's ever done (all from her website):

also, i haven't been able to stop watching this video. so in love with the process and her talent!

CALLIGRAPHY, YO

this month i am resolving to pick up the pointed pen everyday. whether it's to doodle or to create something to sell, i am going to do it. last fall i took a beginner calligraphy class at oh, hello friend. my instructor was none other than the fabulous jenna rainey of mon voir. i immediately fell in love with the art of calligraphy. i've always had fun with hand lettering and have prided myself on my penmanship. i decided to use the wood slices from our wedding centerpieces to create some new stuff for my etsy shop. for it being my first try, i am pretty stoked on how it came out. of course, as time goes one and as i continue to practice, i look forward to defining my style and creating a stand out one in the pretty world of calligraphy.

below are some of the styles i am going nuts over:

one//two//three//four//five//six* 

(*unfortunately, pinterest failed me on the source)

MAY MUSINGS

here are some things i've been thinking about:

• BABIES!

• california

• how i want to do everything: design, paint, calligraphy, felt flowers (OBSESSED WITH THIS GIRL RIGHT HERE)

• how i know i can do anything, but not everything. this print is hanging above my TV & i stare at it everyday. such a great reminder.

• love this so much

• how much i love my husband

happy may! excited to go to california in 2 weeks and to celebrate the marriage of my dear friends jessica and rick!

LOVE

this is a post from almost 4 years ago that i put on facebook. just as good of a lesson for me today as it was back then:

God's love for us: what does that really mean? What does that include? How does it work? This week, I have been challenged with these questions. God has laid heavy on my heart what it really means to serve Him minus the desire or feeling, but to serve with an obedient heart; to do what He has called us to do for the sake of furthering the kingdom of God, with the purposes of saving souls and glorifying our Creator. 

God has revealed to me that His love is a relational love, a mutual and reciprocal relationship, in which there is benefit if we participate and abide. God's love requires action by us, His creation, if we are to fully receive the blessing of it. 

In John 15:10, Jesus says, "If you obey my commands, you will abide in my love"

Loving God is not just saying, "I love you". Loving God requires action and obedience. Loving God in action is obeying His commandments, just as it says in the Scriptures. Loving God in obedience is moving when the Spirit compels and staying when the Spirit stays; it is simply doing what God has told us.

1 John 2:3-6 says, "We know that we have come to know him if we keep his commands. Whoever says, “I know him,” but does not do what he commands is a liar, and the truth is not in that person. But if anyone obeys his word, love for God is truly made complete in them. This is how we know we are in him: Whoever claims to live in him must live as Jesus did."

"But if anyone obeys his word, love for God is truly made complete in them."  All we have to do is to obey his word to receive the fullness of His love. The fullness of it. That means that God loves us NO MATTER WHAT. God's love for us is not dependent on our actions. But if we do not obey or abide in Him, we miss out on the full blessing, the outpouring of all the good God has for us. 

John 15:7-11: " 'If you abide in Me, and My words abide in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be done for you. My Father is glorified by this, that you bear much fruit, and so prove to be My disciples. Just as the Father has loved Me, I have also loved you; abide in My love. If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love; just as I have kept My Father's commandments and abide in His love. These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and that your joy may be made full.' "

We keep His commandments not for God's sake, but for our benefit, because in keeping those commandments, our joy is filled to overflowing. Notice how John 15:11 says, " 'These things I have spoken to you so that My joy may be in you, and thatyour joy may be made full.' " Jesus did not say these things so that He may benefit from His obedience: He said these things so the WE, His children, His friends, may be complete in God.

God's love for us is reciprocal; it is not one-sided. It is a mutual relationship where both the Creator and the creation are in union, of the same heart, of the same mind and of the same spirit.

John 15:12-17: " 'My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one’s life for one’s friends. You are my friends if you do what I command. I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you. You did not choose me, but I chose you and appointed you so that you might go and bear fruit—fruit that will last—and so that whatever you ask in my name the Father will give you. This is my command: Love each other.' "

We are FRIENDS of Jesus. How rad is that?! Jesus knows us by name and has chosen US. In the dictionary, the following definitions of "choose" are given:

1. to select from a number of possibilities; pick by preference

2. to prefer or decide (to do something)

3. to want; desire.

We are chosen because we are preferred, we are desired, we are wanted. We are wanted by the all-powerful, mighty, sovereign God of the universe. I don't know about you, but being wanted feels awesome, especially when I am wanted by someone I want just as much! 

The reciprocality of this love is expressed through the response of our hearts in the relationship: if we actively respond to His love, we are promised by the Savior of the world that we will bear fruit that will last. By obeying and abiding in His love, we are empowered to do greater things than we could ever dream of for ourselves. Bearing fruit is a natural consequence of abiding in God's love and by abiding in His love, we are sharing the love of Jesus Christ with those that are searching to fill that God-sized void.

GRACE

"Today you are called to abandon the purposes of your kingdom 

and give yourself to the will of a greater King. Grace makes it possible."

 -Paul David Tripp

thank my good Lord in heaven that His grace is sufficient in my weakness. a day doesn't go by where i think about california. just yesterday, a group text between bridesmaids for my friend jessica's wedding made me miss the golden coast so much. but God's grace is good; i was not consumed by discontentment or disappointment. sure, i was bummed to have to miss out on bachelorette party planning at 7 am in a coffee shop (thank God for skype!), but i was not distraught. His grace was falling heavy on my heart. if i was in the same place i was last week, i probably would've been a mess. but He has been teaching me so much throughout our "displacement" here in CO (kidding!). it's funny how perspective plays such a huge role in our time here on earth.

what if God brought aaron and i here for a bigger reason than ourselves (gasp!)? what if God has a purpose in this isolation? (duh! He has a purpose for all things) what if His sole purpose was to bring aaron and i closer together and to strengthen our marriage? what if it is to help us get out of debt and save money so that we have the capability and freedom to live where we choose? i had to ask myself, "is that really all that bad? to hang out with my best friend all the time and to save money?" and let me tell ya, it sounds a-okay to me. if that is really all God has for us in grand junction, then bring it on!

in the quote above by PDT (as i affectionately call mr. tripp), we are called to abandon our goals, our will, our desires, our wants, even our needs, to the King of Kings, who is in control of all. we can only do this by His grace. and praise Him that His grace comes in many different forms: encouragements from family, a shoulder to cry on with aaron, friends to share in my sadness, charlie to brighten my days. i am truly blessed that He has made it possible through the Cross for me to abandon my whole life in full pursuit of His Kingdom. i am ready for this season. i am not naïve to the fact that i will probably cry one or two (or thirty) more times over my missing CA. but i can say with assurance: His grace is sufficient.

AMERICAN BLOGGER

photo: American Blogger

last night i finished watching the documentary american blogger. i have been following casey wiegand for a while now and have always loved the way she has been open, genuine and honest. i was eager to watch the documentary and as soon as i began it, i knew i was not going to want it to end. seeing all these women tell their story, sharing why they share, why they love blogging has encouraged me in so many ways. i honestly feel like i know all of them personally! i know there has been some major criticism surrounding the film, and i have read many a blogger defend the film. i am truly honored to be a part of a community of love and support. sure, sometimes we are fake. sometimes, we take pictures and move our dirty dishes and laundry out of the way so as to get the "perfect" shot. we definitely give off the appearance of "perfection" sometimes. but i can truly say, most (if not all) of the women in the film have shared about some struggle (or two or ten) on their blogs.

i have read stories of great joy, of new babies, of moving across the country. i've read about the grief and loss in having a miscarriage, of battles with cancer, of struggles in being a mother and a wife. and through it all, i somehow deemed their stories more important than mine. and i based it on how many people i was reaching vs. them. how can my story be as important if no one is reading it? 

after watching the documentary, my perspective has changed. for years, i have yearned to be a blogger. seeing all those around me that i admire, i have been encouraged to be that to others. i have probably started a million blogs, but have never followed through with them. it was hard for me to find my voice. it was hard for me to be real enough that i could intrigue people, but surface enough that i still had some privacy to my life.

but after i finished watching american blogger, i realized something:

blogs are not people. people are people.

all of the bloggers featured (and more) each have purpose outside of blogging. blogging is not my end all, be all, and it shouldn't be.

this all has led me to this conclusion: i am not my blog. readership doesn't define my worth. how many people follow me does not dictate how important what i post is. while i would love for people to read my story, i honestly yearn for the community that would come with it. i see the friendships and relationships that are generated from blogging, and i want that. leave the blog, give me the people. 

and so i have resolved and decided that i will no longer blog with a number or goal in mind. i will blog with my whole heart because i want to remember this time in my life. i want my story out there for the world to see. i want to meet people who i can learn from and share my life with. my story is important and that is only because of my sweet savior jesus.

CHARLIE

this is my handsome pup charlie. i promise, i'm not one of those crazy dog ladies who dresses her dog in boots in the snow or takes him everywhere with me. i do, however, buy him birthday bowtie collars, take endless pictures of him and cuddle with him like he's my child. he is my constant companion and i am so blessed by his friendship. i've never met a dog spunkier than him (and boy, is he spunky). he's honestly helped me with my feelings of loneliness here in colorado and i can't imagine life without him.

JOY FOR THE TAKING

photo credit: hillsong

life is hard. heck, it feels nearly impossible sometimes. since moving to colorado, my emotions have been all over the place: mystified by the beauty of God's creation here in CO, excited for new friendships, fearful that i wouldn't have any said new friendships, weighed down by the feelings of loneliness, guilt, doubt. question marks plagued my thoughts every second of every day: did we make the right choice? why did we move away from everything we know and love? does God know what He's doing? will we make friends? will i ever be happy again? (yes, i tend to be very dramatic but this is really what i was thinking about). i legitimately felt depressed, a feeling that is almost foreign to me. i was devoid of hope, faith and joy.

through wrestling with my precious God, my patient God (oh goodness, is He ever patient), my everlasting, ever-present God, He revealed an oh so simple truth: My joy is for your taking. now, think about this: this huge, great, majestic God, who created the heavens and the earth, who knitted us together in our mothers' wombs, who catches our tears in bottles and whose thoughts of us outnumber the grains of sand on earth, that same God has joy unspeakable waiting, just waiting, for us to grab hold of, to passionately, desperately, longingly live our lives in love and joy with abandon. i have to stop and say to myself, "for real? that's just waiting for me?" because if i'm going to be real, if it's just waiting, why don't i have it already?

get this: the answer is actually an easy one, almost a freebie. i don't have this joy because i haven't claimed it. i haven't grabbed hold of the laughter, the carefreeness, the purity of this joy. it makes me say to myself, "well, why the heck not skyler?!" there are a number of reasons why, but this is the main one: i would (almost) rather hate life here in colorado. i would rather throw a pity party, wishing my sweet husband would rescue me and whisk me away to california, hoping that being back in my comfort zone would make all of what i was feeling go away.

well, here's a slap in the face kind of truth: your circumstances don't dictate your joy, they dictate your happiness. joy and happiness are so different, while they are often mistaken and used interchangeably. happiness relies on the outward and is often swayed by circumstances or others, while joy relies on the inward and is constant. i want joy. i want to constantly be full of joy, even when life sucks. i want joy because i know Whose i am and i know Who holds me. i want joy because i worship a King who has conquered death. i want joy because i want to be made brave. i want courage, i want love, i want joy. all i have to do is take it, and take it daily.

NEW IN THE SHOP

// brushstroke wedding invitation suite

// kraft garland bridal shower invitation

// tulip + vine wedding invitation suite

i've been hard at work the past week coming up with new designs for the shop! i have been truly blessed to have been very busy with etsy orders + custom orders this past month. it only encourages me to design more! i'm loving these new designs + am excited to see lily + olive grow.

APRIL

i can't believe that april is just a few days away. time sure flies! i'm super excited for april this year! spring has for sure sprung here in grand junction (so many blossoming trees!) and my birthday is just a few weeks away. here's a desktop calendar for you! (minus the flower on the 19th, unless that's your birthday too!)

COMMUNITY + JOY

today is a day to rejoice and be glad. today is a day to be full of joy and praise the Lord. how often we are burdened by this life and all we feel is required of it. our tendency is to have a cynical heart and downcast spirit. but that is not what God calls us to! He calls us to a life of celebration. i mean, HE is the one who rejoices, sings, and dances over US! how much more should we celebrate Him. this video has reminded me of what joy in Christ is and what that looks like. i'm also reminded that joy in Christ is to be shared with community. praise the Lord for how He has blessed aaron and i with a new church and new friends. i almost forgot how important fellowship is. but can i tell ya? it sure does a soul good.

oh, and i'll just leave this right here. i love this man of mine. from our date night in fruita on friday night.

WE MADE IT

it's been a while, but we made it to grand junction, colorado! we moved in on march 5th and have had a great time getting to know the city and the people who call it home. we drove 10.5 hours (more like 12 with my dad's car issues and a pup who needs to walk around), but we made it. my dad stayed for a few days, helped us make a few big purchases (hellllooo new washer and dryer and bed!!), and before we knew it, it was time to say goodbye. i never thought i would be one who would cry because we'll see everyone in just a couple of months. but man, was i a big crybaby! my mom flew in and stayed for 5 days, and was a major help! can i just say that 2 months of "moving out of state" on the brain burns you out big time? no time for creativity, connecting, living life. at least, that's the way i made it. i was done with everything moving, so having my mom here to help kick my butt into gear helped tremendously.

so now, everyone is gone, and it's just aaron, charlie, and me. and can i just say how dang lonely it is not knowing anybody? (don't get me wrong, aaron is seriously my rock, and he is most certainly enough for me, but this is all new for both of us). we're praying for a church and for new friends, while praying that we stay connected with all those we love at home. here's to a new season of life and all the joys and trials that will come with it!

TIMING ISN'T EVERYTHING

today is the day the movers come to pack our whole lives into a semi truck. the day when we say goodbye to what has been normal and real and life. or is it? i woke up this morning, excited (okay...you got me, anxious), ready to start the day with the movers. then, i get an email from the moving company. "call us ASAP" it reads. okay...what could possibly go wrong? oh, you mean that the job the driver did before us was 5,000 pounds overweight so he can't pick us up today? so here i am, lying in the midst of furniture and boxes, freaking out. (oh, and as i type this, i still don't know when they're coming). but you know what? in the midst of my chaotic, anxiety-ridden brain, i hear, "i am with you. you need not be afraid". well let me tell ya, i know that for sure ain't me talking. how awesome is our God that while we sit and cry and complain and stress and freak out, He is looking down on us with reassuring love that speaks, "i am with you". yes, yes He is. so i today i resolve to not freak out, to let God's timing rule and to not throw a fit when a curveball is thrown at me.

     oh, and this is my apartment right now:       

don't freak out, just breathe.

MARCH FAVES

one//two//three//four//five//six

i am absolutely loving the rain we are getting in CA today. it has pretty much been pouring all day. i can't even remember the last time it has rained like this. makes me dream of winters in colorado (which is FIVE DAYS AWAY!!!!) so here i am, sitting on the couch with pantsy (aka charlie) with the slider open listening to the rain and watching the following (fave new show? um, yes.) oh, and dreaming of when all our things aren't packed away in boxes. and also, wanting all my march faves. and anticipating sunday (helllloooo first anniversary!) happy march!