IN THE LONGING

there is sweetness in solitude. it has been sometime since i've been alone. since having asher and moving in with family, i have felt like it has been so hard to take some time for myself and just breathe. to see the sunrise, to pour out my thoughts and look at what's going on in life. i have neglected this space for sometime. i have this thing that when i feel like i "have" to do something, i have good momentum but then i feel so trapped by my commitment that i neglect it. like the 52 project? yeah, it's been about 4 weeks (i'm a terrible mom, i know). ya'll, the mom guilt hits hard all. the. time. but then i have sweet, quiet moments like this and it's all praises. God's grace is enough.

this season has been one of trials. it has been so sweet seeing asher grow and thrive, but we're in a season of limbo. aaron and i have felt a sense of longing for denver, and we have both felt God impress upon our hearts that we need to plant roots there. "but didn't you just move?" yep, and we'll probably move again. i was wondering what it is in me that makes me feel unsettled, like i can't just stay in one place. growing up in a divorced family, i have not had a "permanent" home. like, ever. sure, my parents each had their houses, but i went back and forth, week after week. i would pack a suitcase full of my necessities for school and softball and work and whatever else. but i was never really settled.

i thought this would all change when i got married. i would have my own house that would be mine. i could decorate how i wanted and create the environment and space i wanted to spend time in.

we lived in our first apartment for three months.

then, our second for 8 months. our third for 6. our fourth for 4. and our fifth for 1 year.

it brings tears to my eyes as i write about the fifth place we lived. i long for it y'all. i long for the sweetness of that time in the tiny house we called home, the tiny house we brought our baby home to. the home where i spent so many days sick as i grew my baby. the home where i have such fond memories in the city where my heart is. sometimes i wonder why God brings us to new places and new seasons. i long for the last season of life, where it was just our little family exploring the beauty of colorado and all the wonder God had for us there. why did He move us? why did we long for a change?

this season of life is hard. we're almost completely out of debt (praise!), we're saving for a house, our baby is growing around family. but what else? my marriage is going through some of the toughest growing pains yet. my husband is having a hard time at work with some difficult people. we don't have much privacy. and while living with family is great, there is nothing like having a place to call yours.

and so we wait. we wait for God to move. we wait for His leading. we wait for the revealing of His will. i know that wherever He has will be perfect. it's just so hard in this state of longing and the unknown.

F O U R . F I V E . S I X M O N T H S

Asher is 4 months old today! he is a ray of sunshine in our lives. he loves to laugh and play peek a boo. he is sleeping through the night more and more and is quite the little piglet! he constantly is talking to us--I swear he has said "hi" and "I love you" 😂he loves his baby carrier and is constantly loved on. he responds to his name and is getting the hang of teething toys. we can't wait to see what this next month will bring us! we love you ash baby!

my baby boy is 5 months old today! we had a very exciting month full of travel and new discoveries! Asher flew to Hawaii and took his first dips in both the pool and Pacific Ocean. he would laugh every time a wave crashed, it was seriously the cutest! he loves his jumperoo and scoots himself around when he's on his tummy; I think we have an early crawler on our hands. he tried cereal for the first time and LOVES it! as always, he's our happy and giggly baby, and loves being tickled. oh, and he FOR SURE said the word "yeah" this month! I can't believe how quick time is flying! we love you Asher!

Asher is 6 months old today! I truly cannot believe how quickly that flew by. we have spent half a year with this sweet soul and we never knew how much we could love someone. he is weighing in at a whopping 19 pounds (that's a 2 pound weight gain in a month) and has popped his first tooth and working on the second. ash loves eating peas and green beans and is trying zucchini this week. he is such a sweetie and laughs all the time! he loves being surrounded by family and is celebrating big today at Disneyland! we love you baby bear!

HAWAII 2016

we went to maui in april of this year (yep, i know it's june) and we had a great time. asher was a rockstar on the flight there and for most of the flight home, and loved being on vacation (except for the humidity, my little man hates being hot!) he went into the pool and ocean for the first time and slept like a champ (i was stressed about the time change). we didn't do much except eat too much food and go to the pool and beach. it was just such a nice time to be away from regular life and be together as a family. i'm definitely missing vacation right about now as asher is literally the WORST sleeper of life right now.

 

EASTER 2016

easter 2016 was one for the books. we went to easter service, out to lunch for some mexican food and just spent the day soaking up all the life and grace God has given us. this year, resurrection sunday was extra special for me because of my baby bear. i can't wait to see him grow in Christ and learn how the Savior of the world loves him.

this little man is my favorite. to see his joy for life is infectious. my mama heart is so full because of him.

HODADS + BALBOA PARK

today was my favorite. after a pretty sucky night's sleep, we decided to turn this day around since it was so gorgeous outside. we started with lunch at hodad's and y'all, i am so happy i'm not a vegetarian. 

and how cute is my husband? i am madly and wildly in love with him.

this man has my whole heart for my whole life. he has dedicated saturday to be called "dad-turday" so that i can get some extra sleep and relaxation in. he is constantly telling me how beautiful i am, and never hesitates to care for Asher or me in any way he can, even though he works 55+ hour weeks. i am so blessed by the husband and father he is.

then we headed to balboa park to walk around (which was awesome because it was free and perfect weather and ash promptly decided to crash in the wrap). we're thinking of getting annual passes here when ash is older because this beautiful place boasts 14 museums, botanical gardens and the san diego zoo.

san diego sure was showing off for us today. what a wonderful way to celebrate this resurrection weekend.

MUSINGS

''In some cultures, the word for “pregnant mother” is the same as the word for “new mother”, which essentially translates as Motherbaby: implying that whatever affects the mother also affects the baby, both before birth and after birth. You can think of the Motherbaby as a newborn entity who requires a great deal of care, nourishment, kindness, and support throughout the slow transition into two separate, distinct beings. She needs to be fed, held, comforted. She needs sleep, support and safety. Most of all, a newborn mother should never be left to cry it out alone. Someone needs to respond to her cries; someone needs to be there to reach out and say “I know… I know… it’s so hard… it feels impossible, and yet I know that you can do it, because you ARE doing it…” -Lauralyn Curtis

//

the above quote was shared with me when i was so sick during my pregnancy. a sweet mama friend sent it to me, and said that even though i hadn't met asher earthside yet, i was doing everything he needed me to. as these days fly by (my baby will be 16 weeks on saturday), i find myself struggling to be in the now and to let go of what i think a perfect day with asher is. i am constantly timing naps and feedings and how can i help him roll and sit and burp and how many dirty diapers has he had today and what is that on his face and did i seriously go a whole day (and sleep) with poop on my shirt (true story).

i am learning that it is possible to let go of what i think a perfect day is (heck, i am free to let go of what i think a perfect life is!). i can let go of controlling every little thing and accept asher for who he is. it is so difficult for me, an anxious googler and comparison queen, to not constantly want asher to be different. maybe different isn't the right word...i think "textbook" is a better fit. and i don't want that to become a habit or the routine of our lives together.

i have constantly been stressing about asher's sleep. he isn't the greatest napper, doesn't sleep a full 12 hours at night, and still wakes up to eat two times in the night. compared to where he should be by a general standard, he is a poor sleeper. i have needed to remind myself that he will sleep as he is tired, and as long as i keep consistency, that is key for my baby to get the hang of things.

asher is so full of energy and life, and while sometimes he is so independent that he wants to just explore what he can, the snuggles he gives me just melt me. last night, asher woke up from his sleep (not to eat) and just cried. now, i'm not in the camp of letting my child cry himself to sleep from exhaustion, but aaron and i try to implement a modified cry it out training with gentle coaching. ash is typically a good soother and can put himself to sleep 95% of the time, but last night just wasn't one of those nights. i went in and noticed he was sweating from his swaddle, so i unwrapped him and picked him up (so unbabywise) and he just nuzzled into my neck and rested there. oh my heart. if i could bottle up that feeling and use it to perfume my life with, i would.

with regard to why i was created, after worshipping Jesus, i was created to be a wife and mother. everything up to this point in my life has been preparing me to care for another one, so completely dependent on me. aaron and i have been discussing about when we want to grow our family and i seriously keep pushing it further away because i want to soak up all that asher has to offer. i want to hold him and snuggle him. i want him to feel loved and adored, and while i know i could do that with another child, i just want to soak in this time where it's just the three of us.

TO THE BOY WHO MADE ME A MAMA

i wish i could say i wanted a boy all along. if i'm being completely honest, i never thought i would be a boy mom. i'm not really into dinosaurs or race cars. i had always dreamed of pigtails and dresses; of matching outfits and headbands. i thought my life would be all girl, all the time. when i was pregnant with asher, i thought FOR SURE he was a girl. i thought that my dreams of mothering a little girl would come true. i could picture us baking cookies in matching aprons and picking out nail polish together at the salon. then, when we got our 20 week ultrasound, and i heard the words "you're having a boy", something in me shifted. i can't quite explain what i felt. some disappointment? sure. i almost asked the technician how sure she was that our little one was indeed a boy.

as the weeks following the appointment passed and i spent my days sick on the couch only being able to stomach sprite and sourdough toast, my dreams started to shift. i started dreaming of the boy i was carrying, and who God was creating him to be. would he be stubborn like his mama and musical like his daddy? would he be a chef, an artist, a missionary? would his eyes be blue and hair be blonde? would he be a rough and tumble kind of kid or a sensitive brainiac? i started to get really excited about having a son, a little roughneck who would cuddle me before bed, who would love racecars and bugs and building things, who could still join this mama in the kitchen to bake, and who could match daddy instead.

i don't know what God has planned for us in terms of expanding our family, but asher is all i've ever wanted.

asher, thank you for making me a mama. as i think back on the time we've spent together, it seems like you've always been around but that time has just flown. time is a thief, but i am blessed to watch how God is growing you. i will always treasure the way you hold my hand while nursing, how you wrap your arms around my neck when i hold you, and the huge gummy grin you flash me when i get you from your crib. you are the child i've always dreamed of.

T H R E E M O N T H S

Asher is 3 months old today! he is such a sweetheart. he really enjoys playing with his activity center and being outside; he loves the sunny California weather! he is showing signs of teething (cue drool EVERYWHERE) and will let out the cutest laugh when you tickle him. he loves everyone around him and will kick his little legs when he's excited. we can't wait to see what this month brings us! we love you baby bear!

...

he is showing signs of teething (cue drool EVERYWHERE.

and because i'm super mom (not haha), here is his 2 month post that i forgot to post here.

our baby bear is two months old today! he is becoming much more active and always greets us with a big smile after nap time. he loves to blow spit bubbles, tummy time and when his mama and daddy read him stories. he was champ as we drove through Colorado, New Mexico, Arizona and California and is loving his new home. he is constantly looking at lights in the ceiling and will have a full on cooing conversation with those he loves. he started sleeping on his own and just rolled from his tummy to his back today! and of course he'll be rooting for the Broncos this Sunday. we love you ash baby!

B A B Y W O E S

it may come as a surprise, but this past weekend was one of the hardest as a mother. you may be thinking, "isn't asher almost three months? how are you just having your hardest weekend now? don't you have it down by now?" (at least that's what i'm asking myself).

my child has always been gassy, since day 1. but it hasn't seemed to cause him any discomfort or pain until now. to see your baby in pain, to know you are doing everything you can in your power to comfort and help him, and for it to still not work; well, that's heart wrenching. add that to early bedtimes (we're talking between 6-7 pm) which means early wake up times (never thought i would see 4 am so often) and short naps (yep, my great 2 hour napper has gone to 20-40 minute naps), i am seriously a wreck. i am so sleep deprived and my patience is thin.

we had family here this past weekend, and while i love visiting, i have found it challenging to balance having an infant that everyone wants to see, and making sure my lovebug gets what he needs. sure, we all like to think that baby comes first, baby's schedule is priority, baby gets naps as soon as he looks tired, but i have found that to not be the case with me. while i get that he's cute (trust me, he's the cutest baby in the world) and therefore you just never want to put him down, i have found myself having to put my foot down. i have had to remind family to not be selfish, that ash needs to rest to grow and to just be plain happy. and that's tough. since moving back closer to family, everyone wants to hog him, which like i said, i totally get. i just know that i'll need to be a better enforcer when it comes to these things.

so on saturday, when asher was freaking out from gas/lack of sleep/whatever else, the only thing that would comfort him was nursing. i used a shield for the first 12 weeks since he had some trouble with latching, but we've been weaning from it this week and man, oh man, am i in pain! so i took his clothes off since he was sweating so much from screaming, laid down with him and started nursing. he fell asleep and we took a glorious nap. i should've slept longer but i couldn't stop staring at him. this nap was especially special for me because i was just a wreck earlier that day from an instagram post i saw. the picture was posted by a mother in remembrance of one of her twins that she lost on valentine's day. i read it as i was rocking asher that morning and it just wrecked me. as i stared down as his sweet little face, i was overwhelmed with gratitude and grief. i was so grateful that i have the privilege to comfort my sweet baby, but saddened by the fact that i won't be able to do that for our other little one we lost this side of heaven. i started to dream of who that little one would've been, how ash would have had a built in best friend, how we would have two of everything instead of one. all in all, this weekend was filled with tears and exhaustion and gratitude.

as i sit here to type this, asher has been asleep for 2.5 hours, which is a miracle. i held him for the first hour of his nap, just so that he could at least get a full cycle in. and he's still going! i'm hoping that he's not as fussy about his gas if he's well rested. i just know this mama is beat and will definitely be napping today!

L E T T E R 2

ash, as you start to stir and wake in the early morning hours, I begin to wake and prepare for our time together. I bring you into bed with me, undo your swaddle and snuggle up next to you. as you begin to nurse, I can't help but thank God for the privilege in being your mother. I feel your feet kick my (still) soft tummy, and remember when you made your home there. it is unfathomable to me that 12 weeks have passed since you've left that home for a new one. I feel your hand sweep across my chest, and for a second you linger over my heart. oh baby boy, if only you knew how my heart beats for you, how all I long for is goodness in your life, for you to know the sweetness of freedom and grace that abounds. I may grumble about how tired I am, and while that is true, I would never give up this duty, this job, this delight I have in nurturing you, in providing you what you need to grow. whenever I get down on myself about the soft tummy pregnancy has left me with, I remember you and remember what my body did and continues to do. I thank God for you.  

M O T H E R H O O D I S . . .

motherhood is...

• binge watching grey's anatomy 
• holding your baby for every nap
• drinking cold brew coffee all. day. long. 
• rocking in the rocker like it's leg day at the gym
• ice cream before dinner
• skinny pop as your meals because you don't have time to cook anything 
• laying your baby down, praying he will not fuss for 0.7 seconds 
• accomplishing one tiny load of laundry while you have a whole house to pack up
• taking a shitty picture for this blog post and editing it to look *~*ArTsY*~* to hide your bad picture taking (while only accentuating it)
• keeping your child in their jammies all daybecause you forgot to get them dressed for the day
• nursing every 5 minutes
• leaking through three shirts (while wearing nursing pads) 
• eating dinner in the car with your husband listening to serial just to get a break and so your baby will sleep

D A Y S L I K E T H E S E

it's days like this that I truly see and feel God's sacrificial love for me. not that my love is anything like His, but it's days like this where my bones ache and my eyes are heavy and I've feel like I've given everything that I understand what that's like. it means surrendering all for the good of whom you love. giving of yourself, your mind, body and spirit, dedicating everything you have and everything you are for the sake of another. my love is not perfect, but I am grateful that His love is. I hope as I journey through this adventure called motherhood that I am transformed to love more, to love harder, to be giving of myself until there is no more to give, so that I may be filled again by He who is faithful. 

G R A C E

this morning, I woke up discouraged. I woke up exhausted. I woke up defeated. I decided to make a list of the ways I saw God's grace in my day. I found it really helped to keep me focused on the positive:

• Asher happily laying next to me so I can rest
• Asher giving me smiles
• a husband who works so hard so I can stay home
• the 4 hours of sleep I got (I could've had none)
• the relief from the food poisoning I had last night
• that ash went down for his morning nap without a fight 
• a friend's kind and encouraging words about friendship 
• postmates delivery of venti Starbucks drinks (with a waived delivery fee)
• a snuggly baby reaching for the heavens 
• a heater that works
• a happy baby after his nap
• Aaron coming home and making me lunch 
• Aaron lighting candles before he went back to work
• an uninterrupted shower with jasmine shampoo
• not having to make dinner
• a husband who will try to settle Asher when I feel like I can't do it anymore 

i am so grateful to serve such a gracious God.

L E T T E R 1

dear ash baby,

early this morning, you brought me to tears. mostly out of frustration that I couldn't get you back to sleep, but also because of my insecurity if I'm cut out to be your mother. yes, that's doubt and fear speaking. I constantly wonder if I'm doing the right things, if I'm loving you enough. and what I know is that most of the time, I am. but there are times I fail. I fail hard. I cry because I don't understand what you need. or I think about prioritizing household duties over your snuggles. 

but still, hour by hour, you freely give your love to me. you snuggle your head into my chest, your arms reaching for my neck. and in those moments I remember how truly blessed I am to be your mother.

I am truly blessed that God has given me this privilege. Asher, I have never known a love like this. thank you for always reaffirming your love for me. thank you for your grace for me. I am so blessed to be your mama bear, forever and always. 

O N E M O N T H

I cannot believe a whole month has passed since we met this sweet little soul. Asher is the best thing that has ever happened to us and time is flying by! I constantly say, "he's so big." he is such a happy baby (knock on wood!), loves bath time and playing with daddy's arm hair. he will only sleep on mama, has blue eyes that look around curiously, and has earned the nickname wiggle worm. he's been holding his head up since birth and loves to try to climb up you. he has long fingers and toes and the cutest ears. he did great on our flights to California and back home and loved meeting family and friends. we can't remember life before him. Asher, you've captured our hearts. 

C A L I F O R N I A

last night we got home from our trip to California. what a whirlwind! I have now nursed in two airports, on two airplanes, in numerous restaurants and houses. while it was so great to see family and friends, I sure am glad to be home. well, what is home for the next 3.5 weeks. I can't believe we're moving so soon. there is so much to do, and as we were landing last night, I felt a deep sadness come over me. 

we are leaving this place we've called home. this place where we've moved three times, gained two family members and where our marriage has grown like nothing we could have ever imagined. we are leaving this place where I battled depression and anxiety and experienced the highest high with the birth of Asher. Colorado will always be a place of new life and beauty for me. 

I became a mother in Colorado. I have learned sacrificial love here. I have seen beautiful sites here and met beautiful people. I have known God here. I will miss this place. 

San Diego,we're ready for you. we're ready for the happy and the sad, the easy and the hard, all the growth and beauty you have to offer. we can't wait to see what is in store for us. 

and I just had to include this photo because my little ash baby is the cutest thing on the planet. New Years Eve 2015.