this post is not meant to seem as though i hate being pregnant or am ungrateful for what a gift this child is to me. it is not meant to diminish the difficulty of pregnancy (or of getting pregnant) or to diminish the feelings of those who struggle with infertility. every day i feel this life inside of me i am immeasurably blessed by what a privilege it is to be a mother. this is more so a word dump of all that i've been contemplating and feeling.
that being said, i'm just going to come right out and say it:
pregnancy sucks.
don't get me wrong, the longer hair and nails and clear skin have most definitely been perks throughout this process. but they don't exactly make the constant nausea, heartburn, vomiting and back pain worth it. what does make this worth it is the little baby bear i will have in my arms in just 9 weeks.
this pregnancy has been way harder than i could have ever imagined. i never thought i would be one of those women who was sick pretty much their entire pregnancy. i thought i would have the typical "throw up for a few weeks" sickness and then i would be all good.
wrong.
when i hit the 20 week mark back in july, i really was feeling good. 20 weeks seemed to be the magic number for me, and i thought with full certainty that the worst was over. that lasted for about 6 weeks. then, like clockwork, as soon as 26 weeks hit: BOOM. the bathroom was my best friend once again. i can only be grateful that it was a bit milder than my first bout of sickness, as in i could actually keep some water down. but for the past month, i have been struggling. i would have never imagined how emotionally tolling a physical illness is. which is silly, because duh...why wouldn't it be? i have been so blessed to have never struggled with my physical health. aside from the occasional cold or flu, i have been healthy as a horse. i have seen my step-dad struggle with his bout of cancer and the subsequent illnesses that have followed, but to be honest, he is such a rockstar. i rarely hear him complain or bring attention to the pain he constantly battles. and while i'm sure he has his off days, i typically see his big smile and loving demeanor in place of the weariness he must feel.
y'all, i am the opposite. maybe to the outside world everything seems okay. but in reality, i'm not okay. i have never ever not felt like myself more than in this process. i feel like a host to something, that what i'm experiencing is outside of myself, and not in a cool good way. i haven't felt like myself since april, and let me tell you, i hate it. i hate that feeling of feeling out of control, that no matter what you do you can't seem to be who you were. and maybe this is the new me. maybe God is preparing my heart and mind and body for motherhood, and this is what happens. but to be honest, i liked myself. i liked how God had made me and my body. i liked the characteristics he had blessed me with. and to be honest, i probably am just being hormonal and dramatic about this, but for real, i'm scared. i don't want to lose my identity in motherhood. while i know motherhood will greatly grow me and shape me and make me better, i want to be me. and i don't remember what that really feels like. all i remember from the past 7 months are the days spent in bed or on the couch or over the toilet. i haven't done much with my life this past year. and i know growing a baby is hard work. but i never expected that it would come with losing myself.
so i've tried to take this past week since i quit my job (yep, it got that bad) to figure out what God is trying to show me in this loneliness and fear. i know He has great plans for my life. i know that He loves me. i just am not quite sure what this all means. is He trying to get me to focus on Him and Him alone? probably. is He wanting to be my shelter in this storm? definitely. and i think i've gotten away from that. i think that in the midst of this pregnancy, i have forgotten the grace and mercy and refuge He offers every one of us. in the midst of vomiting everything and feeling like nothing, He has been there. and i've missed Him. i've missed the chances for sweet fellowship with my Creator. and i don't know exactly how to get back there. i know with prayer and diligence, He is faithful. heck, He is faithful even when i am faithless. i know that my full identity is in Christ, and i hope to be more like Him. even if it means losing myself. i'm sure after asher comes that i will regain who i was. it's just hard to imagine that when you don't really remember who you were.
on a happy note, we went to california earlier this month for some baby showers and maternity pictures. we are incredibly blessed by friends and family that love us. and let me tell you, this little boy of ours is already so spoiled!
all photos (with the exception of the first one) taken by justine ellise photography.
