U N S A T I S F I E D

as i sit here on this chilly day in denver contemplating how life will change in 6 weeks or less for us, i am deeply unsatisfied. it has nothing to do with where we live, the clothes i wear or the things i have. it has to do with how deeply unsatisfied i am with how i'm living my life. sure, i've got some of the basics down. i surely do my best to keep life fun, especially in my marriage, but there has to be more to this day to day journey that are the puzzle pieces of a bigger picture. since we've been married, i have become a lesser person. this is in no way a pity post; it is just a good hard look at the kind of woman, wife, friend, sister and mother i am. and let me tell you, i'm not happy with what i find.

since becoming pregnant, i have been a bum. a dud. a no fun to be had girl. and you know what? i really hate that. before falling into the routine of marriage, aaron and i were adventurers. we were out almost every night of the week doing something fun or different or challenging. and let me tell you...i've been worse since moving to colorado. i am ashamed to say we have not taken the time to explore this beautiful state we call our home. and when i think about why, and search my heart for reasons as to why i'm wasting this life, i think it's truly because i am not satisfied. i'm not satisfied with who i am as a person. i am incredibly grateful that my foundation and worth is rooted in the Giver of Life, but other than that, what do i have to offer? like i said, this isn't a pity post or one where i'm lamenting how lame i am, but i'm truly searching for something more.

i was scrolling through instagram today (because i'm the bum i mentioned above) and stumbled upon a girl from my church. i don't really know her, but i know of her (because let's face it, i know of a lot of people because i haven't taken time to get to know them). i was just so enthralled with her feed: pictures of adventures and baked goods and exploring and traditions and just stuff that makes your heart warm. but as i was doing this, i noticed how jealous i was, how envy just consumed every fiber of my being. i wanted her life; not so much the exact specifications of where she lives, who she's married to, what she does, but i wanted to find as much pleasure in living the day to day as she seemed to. don't get me wrong, i am not naive to the fact that most instagram lives are not what they seem; everyone has their hardships and lazy days filled with no fun. but what do i have to show for my life? what am i doing to create memories to look back on? do i really want my memories to be of watching netflix day and night, napping and making easy dinners?

this has definitely been a difficult season, one that has prevented me from reaching out and exploring and doing more. i have grace for myself in that. but when i think about the kind of life i am creating for my husband and my son, is it one that they will think back to and smile? or is it one that they won't really remember, a life of monotony and dullness? one that lacks color and laughs and mishaps and adventures. i am ashamed of the wife i've been and the person i've become. i used to be fun, always wanting to see new places and try new foods and do new things. i was spontaneous and fickle and lively. now, it seems my spontaneity extends to what show i'll watch today and my fickleness is focused on anxieties and worries of this life.

so from today on, i want to be different. i want to live my life in a way that is glorifying and exciting and lively. i know that life doesn't always look like that, and that there will be days of netflix and pizza. but i want the majority of my days to be spent marveling at God's creation, or doing something new, or investing in people. i don't know exactly how i'll do this. i guess to start going places and start making friends and stop envying others. i want to live an authentic life. i want to be young. i don't want asher to come into this life and think that all there is to it is entertainment and laziness. i want him to dream and wonder and explore. and i want that for me and aaron too. after all, isn't that what God wants for His children? to love and honor and be free?

F E A R

(lots of ramblings ahead)

i am afraid to be a mom.

there, i said it. i don't know why, but those words are terrifying. i feel like i should be prepared in some weird way even though i have never mothered a child. i constantly think about how i will fail asher, about the wrong decisions i will make, about how that will affect him. i also think about silly things like when my hair will be as long as my sister's or if i'll ever have red hair again (i don't know why those thoughts i chose are about hair). but i have some legitimate fears. will i meet his every need? will i give him enough baths? what if i don't feed him enough? what if breastfeeding doesn't work out? can i do it?

i think that last question

can i do it?

those words resound in my head constantly. i think about this pregnancy, the joys that have come with it, along with the sorrows and sickness and complete hell, and while i have been "doing" it, will i be able to mother?

will i be able to

comfort
care
sacrifice
love
protect

the way my baby boy will need me to?

i've always seen myself as a nurturing person. i have 3 younger siblings, all whom i love dearly, have had numerous babysitting gigs, heck i nannied for almost three years. but it still leaves me wondering

can i do it?

can i be all this boy needs me to be?

and i don't think i can. actually, i know i can't. i'm human. i'm selfish. sure, i know that i will do all i can to put ash before my every need, my every want, and i will want that with every fiber of my being.

but i can't do it. sure, i can make sure he is fed and changed and loved as best as i know how.

but i can't insure that he will get all that he needs. because he needs more than i can provide. he needs to know the complete and encompassing love of Jesus. he needs to know how his Savior was beaten and bloodied and murdered for his life, his spiritual one. i know that aaron and i will do all we can to educate all of our children about this grace and mercy that is like no other, but that's where it stops for us. can we do more than pray and teach and exhort and love? can we guarantee that asher will love Jesus with his whole being?

no. we can't.

and maybe that's what i'm most scared of. that his relationship with Jesus will reflect on me, on my failings and shortcomings. and while i know that Jesus is in control, i want to know.

i want to know asher's life. i want to know what's in store. that's just who i am. i am the nosiest person i know. for real.

i don't like surprises. i want to know if asher will love his King. will he sacrifice for Him? will he give all that he has to follow Him? i want to know the answers to all of these questions and so many more.

but the beauty of this life is

i won't.

i won't know for a very long time. but ultimately Jesus will know. and this is where i have a lot of growing to do.

i need to trust. i think of how exemplified this is in my life.

i was talking to aaron about labor and i literally asked "do you think i'll know when i'm in labor?"

i know how ridiculous that is, but really, i wonder, will i? i've never done this before. sure, i've read so many articles, took the prenatal classes, talked to my doctor. i've prepared myself as best as i know how. but it just goes back to my trust. i don't trust myself i guess, or the process, or that this will all be okay. i like to be prepared. for the good. and the bad.

i guess this whole motherhood thing is going to test my trust issues, isn't it?

L O S S

today is a hard day. today is a day where I feel steeped in brokenness and loss. I feel defeated and run down. I am couch ridden due to morning sickness...again. which means I'm missing church...again. and I just feel all sorts of down when I miss church. 

and today, I'm really thinking about the baby we lost. I'm thinking about how our baby boy had a friend in there, in me, and then one day that friend was gone. and while I know it was ultimately God's plan, I can't help but think who he or she would've been. what would they have accomplished? how tall would they have been? would they have been a picky eater like me or a musician like their daddy?

and then today Facebook reminded me 4 years ago my friend Amanda wrote on my wall that she missed me. and that friend is gone and has been for over two years. yet I still ache from losing her. even though we weren't as close at the end of her life, she was somebody who always made you feel like the only person who mattered. 

so today is a day where I'm just feeling a lot of sad things. and in the midst of these sad things, I'm grateful that God is my completeness in my brokenness.