M O T H E R H O O D I S . . .

motherhood is...

• binge watching grey's anatomy 
• holding your baby for every nap
• drinking cold brew coffee all. day. long. 
• rocking in the rocker like it's leg day at the gym
• ice cream before dinner
• skinny pop as your meals because you don't have time to cook anything 
• laying your baby down, praying he will not fuss for 0.7 seconds 
• accomplishing one tiny load of laundry while you have a whole house to pack up
• taking a shitty picture for this blog post and editing it to look *~*ArTsY*~* to hide your bad picture taking (while only accentuating it)
• keeping your child in their jammies all daybecause you forgot to get them dressed for the day
• nursing every 5 minutes
• leaking through three shirts (while wearing nursing pads) 
• eating dinner in the car with your husband listening to serial just to get a break and so your baby will sleep

D A Y S L I K E T H E S E

it's days like this that I truly see and feel God's sacrificial love for me. not that my love is anything like His, but it's days like this where my bones ache and my eyes are heavy and I've feel like I've given everything that I understand what that's like. it means surrendering all for the good of whom you love. giving of yourself, your mind, body and spirit, dedicating everything you have and everything you are for the sake of another. my love is not perfect, but I am grateful that His love is. I hope as I journey through this adventure called motherhood that I am transformed to love more, to love harder, to be giving of myself until there is no more to give, so that I may be filled again by He who is faithful. 

G R A C E

this morning, I woke up discouraged. I woke up exhausted. I woke up defeated. I decided to make a list of the ways I saw God's grace in my day. I found it really helped to keep me focused on the positive:

• Asher happily laying next to me so I can rest
• Asher giving me smiles
• a husband who works so hard so I can stay home
• the 4 hours of sleep I got (I could've had none)
• the relief from the food poisoning I had last night
• that ash went down for his morning nap without a fight 
• a friend's kind and encouraging words about friendship 
• postmates delivery of venti Starbucks drinks (with a waived delivery fee)
• a snuggly baby reaching for the heavens 
• a heater that works
• a happy baby after his nap
• Aaron coming home and making me lunch 
• Aaron lighting candles before he went back to work
• an uninterrupted shower with jasmine shampoo
• not having to make dinner
• a husband who will try to settle Asher when I feel like I can't do it anymore 

i am so grateful to serve such a gracious God.

L E T T E R 1

dear ash baby,

early this morning, you brought me to tears. mostly out of frustration that I couldn't get you back to sleep, but also because of my insecurity if I'm cut out to be your mother. yes, that's doubt and fear speaking. I constantly wonder if I'm doing the right things, if I'm loving you enough. and what I know is that most of the time, I am. but there are times I fail. I fail hard. I cry because I don't understand what you need. or I think about prioritizing household duties over your snuggles. 

but still, hour by hour, you freely give your love to me. you snuggle your head into my chest, your arms reaching for my neck. and in those moments I remember how truly blessed I am to be your mother.

I am truly blessed that God has given me this privilege. Asher, I have never known a love like this. thank you for always reaffirming your love for me. thank you for your grace for me. I am so blessed to be your mama bear, forever and always. 

O N E M O N T H

I cannot believe a whole month has passed since we met this sweet little soul. Asher is the best thing that has ever happened to us and time is flying by! I constantly say, "he's so big." he is such a happy baby (knock on wood!), loves bath time and playing with daddy's arm hair. he will only sleep on mama, has blue eyes that look around curiously, and has earned the nickname wiggle worm. he's been holding his head up since birth and loves to try to climb up you. he has long fingers and toes and the cutest ears. he did great on our flights to California and back home and loved meeting family and friends. we can't remember life before him. Asher, you've captured our hearts. 

C A L I F O R N I A

last night we got home from our trip to California. what a whirlwind! I have now nursed in two airports, on two airplanes, in numerous restaurants and houses. while it was so great to see family and friends, I sure am glad to be home. well, what is home for the next 3.5 weeks. I can't believe we're moving so soon. there is so much to do, and as we were landing last night, I felt a deep sadness come over me. 

we are leaving this place we've called home. this place where we've moved three times, gained two family members and where our marriage has grown like nothing we could have ever imagined. we are leaving this place where I battled depression and anxiety and experienced the highest high with the birth of Asher. Colorado will always be a place of new life and beauty for me. 

I became a mother in Colorado. I have learned sacrificial love here. I have seen beautiful sites here and met beautiful people. I have known God here. I will miss this place. 

San Diego,we're ready for you. we're ready for the happy and the sad, the easy and the hard, all the growth and beauty you have to offer. we can't wait to see what is in store for us. 

and I just had to include this photo because my little ash baby is the cutest thing on the planet. New Years Eve 2015.