it may come as a surprise, but this past weekend was one of the hardest as a mother. you may be thinking, "isn't asher almost three months? how are you just having your hardest weekend now? don't you have it down by now?" (at least that's what i'm asking myself).
my child has always been gassy, since day 1. but it hasn't seemed to cause him any discomfort or pain until now. to see your baby in pain, to know you are doing everything you can in your power to comfort and help him, and for it to still not work; well, that's heart wrenching. add that to early bedtimes (we're talking between 6-7 pm) which means early wake up times (never thought i would see 4 am so often) and short naps (yep, my great 2 hour napper has gone to 20-40 minute naps), i am seriously a wreck. i am so sleep deprived and my patience is thin.
we had family here this past weekend, and while i love visiting, i have found it challenging to balance having an infant that everyone wants to see, and making sure my lovebug gets what he needs. sure, we all like to think that baby comes first, baby's schedule is priority, baby gets naps as soon as he looks tired, but i have found that to not be the case with me. while i get that he's cute (trust me, he's the cutest baby in the world) and therefore you just never want to put him down, i have found myself having to put my foot down. i have had to remind family to not be selfish, that ash needs to rest to grow and to just be plain happy. and that's tough. since moving back closer to family, everyone wants to hog him, which like i said, i totally get. i just know that i'll need to be a better enforcer when it comes to these things.
so on saturday, when asher was freaking out from gas/lack of sleep/whatever else, the only thing that would comfort him was nursing. i used a shield for the first 12 weeks since he had some trouble with latching, but we've been weaning from it this week and man, oh man, am i in pain! so i took his clothes off since he was sweating so much from screaming, laid down with him and started nursing. he fell asleep and we took a glorious nap. i should've slept longer but i couldn't stop staring at him. this nap was especially special for me because i was just a wreck earlier that day from an instagram post i saw. the picture was posted by a mother in remembrance of one of her twins that she lost on valentine's day. i read it as i was rocking asher that morning and it just wrecked me. as i stared down as his sweet little face, i was overwhelmed with gratitude and grief. i was so grateful that i have the privilege to comfort my sweet baby, but saddened by the fact that i won't be able to do that for our other little one we lost this side of heaven. i started to dream of who that little one would've been, how ash would have had a built in best friend, how we would have two of everything instead of one. all in all, this weekend was filled with tears and exhaustion and gratitude.
as i sit here to type this, asher has been asleep for 2.5 hours, which is a miracle. i held him for the first hour of his nap, just so that he could at least get a full cycle in. and he's still going! i'm hoping that he's not as fussy about his gas if he's well rested. i just know this mama is beat and will definitely be napping today!
